It’s been circulating over the past couple of days that Adam Levine has won the title of People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2013; it was announced as truth late last night, and like many, I’m a little underwhelmed. It’s true that Adam has never really done it for me, but is anyone getting a little… well… BORED of People’s picks? Seriously—the winners of recent years (Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, and Ryan Reynolds) have all been conventionally attractive dudes who have never really struck anyone as extraordinarily talented. What happened to good-looking guys who have more talent in their pinky fingers than Channing, Bradley, Ryan, and Adam combined? I’m talking 2007’s Matt Damon, George Clooney’s multiple wins, 1996’s Denzel Washington… there are so many more interesting choices out there.
But hey—at least none of these seven guys won the title, right? I fear we might never have recovered as a pop culture-loving land if they had!
1. Justin Bieber
Nothing screams “sexy” like abandoning your pets, attacking your neighbors, and showing up ridiculously late to your own concerts.
2. Robin Thicke
Between the questionable message of “Blurred Lines” and the whole Miley Cyrus VMAs incident (yes, we’re all STILL talking about it), this one’s a definite no-go.
3. Shia LaBeouf
I will give Shia credit for picking somewhat interesting projects to work on as he gets older, but enough with the tantrums already.
Up next: The man responsible for us burning our eyes out of our heads yesterday and more!