How NOT to Break Up With Someone: Lessons to Learn from Courtney Stodden + Doug Hutchison’s “We’re Separating” Statement

Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison have released a statement about the end of their marriage -- and it's one big huge lesson in how NOT to break up with someone.

Courtney Stodden Doug Hutchison

Because I know you’re all sobbing over the demise of the most romantic couple in the history of the universe (mmmmm, sarcasm), here’s the latest on the split between Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison: They released a statement yesterday to the Daily Mail, and it’s a doozy. Here, take a look-see:

“After two and a half years of marriage, Courtney and Doug have decided to become legally separated. This is a mutual and amicable decision that they’re making together. As you know, Courtney was married at a young age. Now, at nineteen, she’s interested in exploring life as an unmarried single young adult—with the freedom to explore her independence. Doug supports Courtney 100 percent. The two will share custody of their precious pup, Dourtney, remain living in the same house (for now) in separate bedrooms, and Doug will be co-managing Courtney’s career.

“‘We love each other very much, want for each other’s happiness, and will continue being the best of friends for life.’ –Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden.”

…I can’t even deal with how much WTF there is here. Let’s attempt to dissect it, shall we?

Read ‘The Bachelor’ Couple Sean Lowe + Catherine Giudici’s Save-the-Date Card: Cute or Creepy?

Yes, Courtney married at a young age, and yes, it’s to be expected that a teenager would want to “[explore] life as an unmarried single young adult”—but perhaps both she and Doug should have considered that, y’know, BEFORE they got married. If something that major is a concern, it seems like the sort of conversation you should have with your partner before you say your “I dos,” no?

– Continuing to live in the same house cannot POSSIBLY end well, even if it’s in separate bedrooms. What happens if (and let’s face it: this is inevitable) one of them brings someone else home for the night? Awwwwwwwwwwkward.

– Re: Doug co-managing Courtney’s career: Another bad idea. Would you be able to handle managing the career of your ex, knowing that you essentially committed career suicide for him or her when you first got together? I wouldn’t. Maybe Doug is a bigger person than I am, but seriously.

– They named their dog Dourtney. DOURTNEY. THEY PORTMANTEAUED THEIR NAMES AND GAVE THE RESULTING MONSTROSITY TO THEIR DOG. That pooch is going to need sooooo much therapy.

And now I’m going to let you process all that for a bit while I go look at pictures of kittens and baby hedgehogs and other adorable creatures. I don’t know about you, but I am desperately in need of a palette cleanser.

Hedgehog skateboard

There. That’s better.

Lucia Peters is BettyConfidential’s senior editor.

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