Yesterday, a horror descended upon the Internet the likes of which has never before been seen. No, I’m not talking about “Two Girls, One Cup.” I’m not even talking about Zombo.com.
I’m talking about the 2013 Kardashian Kristmas Kard.
Here it is in all its eye-burning glory:
…It looks like Las Vegas threw up all over the holidays. Seriously, there is so much going on here that I don’t even know where to start with it all. Maybe it would help if we broke it down into a few pieces? Maybe? Maybe not, but let’s do it anyway, starting with Kim at the top there. First, there’s a boob window, and you all know how I feel about boob windows. Then there’s the disembodied sleeve… and the graffiti on that dramatic sweeping staircase… and the lonely little holiday lights blinking along the side, looking a bit tawdry in their current surroundings. And is it just me, or does Kim appear to have just pushed some poor, unsuspecting mannequin down the stairs?
Then there’s Kendall and Kylie:
Now that she’s 18, Kendall (on the right) seems to have decided that it’s A-OK to try to look like she’s 35. I sympathize with Kylie over there on the left, whose facial expression screams, “Here we go again. SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH…” I can’t help but feel that her next move might be to set all those tabloids she’s standing on aflame.
And lastly, we have Kris, Kourtney, and Khloe:
Kris, naturally, has stuck herself in the foreground in the most “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!” pose she possibly could; Khloe, meanwhile, looks like she’s trying to keep a very bored Mason in line, while Kourtney attempts to ignore Penelope’s efforts to yank all the feathers off of her dress.
Questions I have about this staggering work of horror:
- Why is Bruce in a glass tube labeled “cashier?” Who put him there? He looks like he wants so badly to be let out—will someone please free him? Is this a metaphor for his and Kris’ failed marriage? Was he really only ever Kris’ cashier?
- For that matter, where on earth are the rest of the Kardashian men? Rob, Lamar Odom, Scott Disick, and Kanye are all absent. Is this by choice, or were they edged out by
Kris the women?
- Who the hell came up with this concept? What exactly made that mastermind think, “I know—nothing says ‘Happy Holidays’ like a dystopian Las Vegas disaster of the future!”
Anyhoo, the image was shot by photographer David LaChappelle; said Kris to E! Online, “I loved working with [him]. It was amazing and it was so much fun!” (which, of course, is Kris-speak for “Insert generic expression of joy here, please, because I can’t be bothered to come up with one on my own”).
Did anyone watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians: A Very Merry Christmas the other night? Was it as terrifying as I think it would have been? Let us know in the comments—I’m too scared to watch it myself. Shudder.
Lucia Peters is BettyConfidential’s senior editor.