Worst Online Dating Profile Ever? File This Guy Under DO NOT DATE!

With this Austin man's list of girlfriend requirements, it's no wonder he's single. And no, we're not exaggerating.
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Oh, and hey, guess what? Anyone who’s had anything other than vanilla sex is out, too. Not that there’s anything WRONG with vanilla sex, but, well…

– “I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend.”

I’m curious to know what he classifies as “a large number” of partners.

Knowing this, then, the following shouldn’t  be too surprising:

– “I do not like strippers! I will not date any girl that has ever been a stripper. I believe that the only person that should ever see a womans naked body is only her boyfriend or husband.”

Looks like SOMEONE needs to give TheGloss’ excellent sex work column, “Harlotry,” a read.

– ”I do not like tattoos on a woman.”

Okay. I understand not liking tattoos; they’re not to everyone’s taste. But then there’s this:

“If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her.”

And this:

“To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Female human body is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!”

Oh, and piercings are off the table, too:

– “I also do not like piercings on a woman. I do not like a woman to have anything pireced other than her Ears. If she has other piercings it’s not a dealbreaker as long as she removes them and never wears them again.”

Are you one of those folks who still has a good relationship with an ex? Well, too bad, because if you want to get with THIS particular catch, you’re going to have to cut everyone he doesn’t like out of your life:

– “I will not date any girl if she is still friends with any men that she has been intimate with in the past, I believe once a relationship with someone is over, it’s OVER.”

And then there’s this:

– “I will not date a selfish woman. I do not like selfish women at all.”

Pot? Kettle?

And finally there’s this, the piece de resistance:

– “I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.”

…I will let that one speak for itself.

I don’t even know what to do with all this, Bettys. Like many, I’m really, REALLY hoping it’s some marvelous piece of trolling, or Internet-based performance art, or a comment on the perception of women or feminism or something. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach, however, that it’s not. And that baffles me so much that my brain is shutting down just trying to make sense of it.

I’ll be curious to see whether Mr. Sleepless in Austin (and yes, he loves Sleepless in Seattle) deigns to respond to the outpouring of response to his dating experiment; if you were him, what would you do?

Tell us: Crazy piece of performance art or terrifying reality? You be the judge!

Lucia Peters is BettyConfidential’s senior editor.

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