You’ve deleted your OKCupid profile and kicked your booty caller to the curb to finally, finally go exclusive with Mr. Right. Hey, no judgment. Everything is great (OMG, his rock-hard abs!), but what should be orgasmic romps in the bedroom are feeling rather lackluster. And now you’re wondering if a few stressful weeks at work have caused your sex life to stall or if your needs are simply not being met (i.e. you’d rather schedule a role play session instead of lying in the missionary position all night…again).
Settled upon the latter? Before settling into a routine of unsatisfying sex –which will affect other areas of your life –you should ask for what you want in bed. Your body doesn’t come with a manual, and chances are, your guy won’t figure out what pleases you if you don’t say something. So how exactly can you do that without making him feel like a failure in the bedroom? That’s where our advice comes in! Sit back, relax, and read your way to better play.
1. Do Your Research!
If you don’t know what you need, how can you expect someone else to? Instead of being critical, be thoughtful. Take time to think about what’s missing in your sex life and ways to articulate how you feel without coming off as critical. Conversations about what goes on (or doesn’t go on) in the bedroom are often some of the most sensitive, so be sure to pinpoint exactly what you need. Is it a steamy new sex position? What about a crop of new toys of the adult kind? Or a scandalous new place to get it on? Whatever it is, do your research. That’s what Google is for!
2. Do It In Private
The easiest way to put him on the defensive is to critique his skills in bed (literally). Or perhaps you want to try something a bit risqué, but think it might freak him out. It’s a total mood killer and your poor beau will start to question all of the amazing things he’s already doing. To avoid an unnecessary and unhelpful argument, discuss both of your needs over a romantic dinner –think candles, rose petals, and a home-cooked meal. Bonus points if you manage to keep the conversation flirty, fun, and sexy.
3. Don’t Explode
We get it: You’re frustrated. Maybe you even feel like you’re about to explode. Ugh! When talking sex, avoid petty arguments or huge blowouts by keeping your cool and staying positive. Instead of pointing out every little thing that’s lacking from your sex life, tune him in to what you’re craving. Saying things like “It’s so sexy when you…” or “giving you a massage before sex last night was…” will boost his confidence (making him better in bed). And if you enjoy something in bed, say so. Don’t be afraid to moan your way to a better experience!
4. Say Yes
A great sex life takes two. Chances are, he has a few erotic fantasies of his own. If you want to try something wild and new like spanking or role play, don’t dismiss his desire for light bondage or anal sex. He might not share the same fantasies, and that’s okay. Relationships are partnerships, and the best way for both of you to have mind-blowing bedroom experiences is to compromise. With that said, neither of you should feel pressured to engage in sexual activities you’re uncomfortable with. Communication, respect, and trust are all key when trying new moves.
5. Be Very, Uh…Hands On
You know how when you’re on the road, your guy will just keep driving and driving insisting that he knows exactly where he’s going (he’s not). Well, this is sort of the same thing. Take charge by creating a sexy “game” that turns up the heat in your sex life. Looking for ideas? Get the mood going with a week of new sex positions, a lingerie/sex toys shopping date (it’s one of the only types of shopping trips he’ll enjoy), strip poker, a “sexy” movie night, or a competition involving edible chocolate (you decide the details). Yum!
Diana Denza is BettyConfidential’s contributing editor.