6 Kisses You Don't Want

Sadly, there are times when you need a spit guard on a date.

6 Kisses You Don’t Want

Sadly, there are times when you need a spit guard on a date.

-PJ Gach


You know how when you go on a date, there’s a kiss (usually) at the end of it? Right before it happens, your heart is pounding, you have butterflies in your tum. You’re so nervous, you’re having problems keeping your feet on the ground. After sucking face, all you want to do is run away as fast as you can. But you can’t because you’re wearing 6-inch heels. Instead you make a weak smile, wave and wobble away. As soon as he’s out of your sight line, you’re vigorously scrubbing your face.

Each step brings the thought, “Please god, may I NEVER hear from him.” Unfortunately or fortunately, you can tell a lot about someone from a kiss. The basic rule of thumb is, if someone can’t kiss, they’re not going to be lighting any fires in bed either. C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. Here are a few examples of smooches that can make you run screaming into the night.

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1. Dry: He pulls you in, gathers you up. looks deeply into your eyes, and then you get a dry peck on the cheek. Nothing like starting an engine then slamming on the brakes.

2. Windshield wiper: One kiss and you need either a washcloth or a wiper to get the goo off your face. It’s like making out with a St. Bernard.

3. Hungry: He’s such a rabid kisser, you’re terrified that he’s going to swallow your head. Did he watch Aliens too many times?

4. Directional: As you’re kissing, he’s using his hands to move your head, open or close your mouth, etc., Um, you’re human, not a blow-up doll.

5. Nibbler: All he does is bite your lip. Over and over and over and over. What?! Are you an hors d’oeurve?

6. Health check: Is he counting your teeth?

If you’ve been dealt any of those kisses by a guy you like, you can attempt to teach him to kiss you the way you like it. Go ahead and have fun with it. Buy a lab coat, high heels and a whiteboard. He might get so turned on by the lesson, he’ll agree to anything you suggest.

However, if you were just on the fence about him, his kiss will be the deciding factor of whether or not you’re interested in getting to know him better and/or going to bed with him.You can proceed and try wearing a bib, protective googles or just get used to it.

If the kissing is really bad and you still like him, you could look into getting a HazMat suit. That way you can stay close (sort of) and not worry about him breaking the protective barrier to kiss you goodnight.

PJ Gach is Senior Editor: Style + Beauty at BettyConfidential.

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