I can literally count on one hand the number of horror movies I have seen, and I very vividly remember the first one I ever saw, because I am still traumatized from it to this day. The year was 1988, and I had spent the night at my sometimes BFF, sometimes frenemy Melissa’s house. I was always the party pooper kid at sleepovers who loved that fact that my mom forbade me to watch horror movies. This was the era of the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street franchises and I was quite terrified of Freddy Kreuger, even though all I ever saw were the previews. If someone insisted on putting a scary movie on at a sleepover, I’d pull my sleeping bag up over my head and try to read my book. Barring that I’d just keep my eyes closed. The entire time. I was a very popular kid, as you can imagine.
So this particular morning, someone wanted to put The Exorcist on. For some reason my resolve gave out. It’s hard being the scary movie buzz-kill all the time. The others convinced me it wasn’t that scary because it was “old.” I figured it couldn’t be that bad — I mean, it was a beautiful sunny morning, how scary could anything be on a beautiful sunny morning?
Absolutely fucking terrifying, that’s how.
I still to this day vividly remember having to walk home that afternoon, the brilliant sunny sky mocking me as I plodded along to my certain doom.
Counting The Exorcist, I figure I’ve seen a total five horror movies in my life, the additional ones being; The Shining (because Jack Nicholson), Children of the Corn (probably because of once again trying not to be a party pooper), The Blair Witch Club (because it was disguised as a hip indie movie and I was in my 20s and thus susceptible to that sort of thing), and the recent remake of Fright Night (because DAVID TENNANT, OBVIOUSLY).
Here are just a few of the ones I have never seen — and will never. NEVER I SAY!
I’m already nervous enough swimming in the ocean. I’m that person who likes to make sure there’s always at least one person further out than me. (Because obviously the sharks will get that person first.) Just looking at this gif makes me want to knit all my bathing suits into a parka.
2. Nightmare on Elm Street
Oh my GOD was I terrified of Freddy Kreuger, without ever having even SEEN ANY OF THE MOVIES. I have no idea what’s going on in this gif but it make me want to pee my pants.
LOL. That’s all I can say to the thought of me making it through a movie called “Saw.” Is that a clown? From HELL? Does the clown have a saw at some point? I’m scaring myself trying to imagine what these movies are about because I’ve never even seen the previews. No. No, do not let the game begin, kthxbai.
4. Paranormal Activity
According to my co-worker Lucia, who knows about these things, “Four came out last October; a spin-off is coming out in January, and the fifth entry in the series proper is due out sometime in 2014.” Well hooray! Something to look forward to after the holidays! I made it to the 47-second mark in the above trailer.
5. The Human Centipede
<<I refuse to post an image here because my eyes are burning after Googling it.>>
OMG I just had to look the plot up because I had no idea: “During a stopover in Germany in the middle of a carefree roadtrip through Europe, two American girls find themselves alone at night when their car breaks down in the woods. Searching for help at a nearby villa, they are wooed into the clutches of a deranged retired surgeon who explains his mad scientific vision to his captives’ utter horror. They are to be the subjects of his sick lifetime fantasy: to be the first to connect people, one to the next, via their gastric system, and in doing so bring to life ‘the human centipede’.”
Are you KIDDING ME?! I am traumatized just READING THAT. And now, after reading BuzzFeed’s 19 Greatest Moments in “Human Centipede” History I am actually nauseated. I better eat some pumpkin-spice Hershey’s Kisses to feel better.
6. The Strangers
This one looks a little more palatable, but would still most likely ensure I never want to stay home alone again. I’m too scared to watch the end of that clip — tell me what happens! Does Liv Tyler put her silk nightie back on or what?
7. The Ring
I like to think of my television as a friendly device, one that provides me with Don Draper and the beautifully dressed ladies of Downton Abbey. NOT LITERAL DEATH.
Full disclosure: I asked Lucia to send me the code for that clip above. I’ll wait here with my eyes closed while you watch it. SEE HOW MUCH FUN I AM?
8. 28 Days Later
I hate post-apocalyptic stories and I hate zombies. Other than that, sounds like a real fun fest!
So, are you totally not going to invite me to your next slumber party?