Do You Have a Sexless Marriage?

Are you in a sexless marriage? Or want to know how to prevent one?

In the Bedroom

Do You Have a Sexless Marriage?

Who does, why and what you can do to prevent one … if you want to

-Julie Ryan Evans

a couple keeping their distance from one another*Georgia married *Tom about 12 years ago, and initially they had a healthy sex life. But after a few months went by, the heat started to cool, and the periods between have sex stretched out further and further … until it eventually stopped.

They haven’t had sex since.

“Initially, he said he was tired and depressed because he was having trouble finding a job,” Georgia says. “Then it became that I was working too much and had too many things going on independent of him. He would say that I was the reason we weren’t having sex, even though I was always ready and offering. … I started gaining weight and really thinking I was unattractive. So then he started blaming it on my weight. It was always something.”

And for millions of American couples, that’s it – it’s always something.

Something that postpones it, then something else that postpones it further, until neither partner can remember the last time they had sex … or even why it was so important in the first place. Dr. Phil calls sexless marriages an undeniable epidemic. Experts — who define a sexless marriage as having sex 10 times a year or less — estimate that there are 20 million to 40 million couples living such lives. 20 to 40 million!

Dr. Leslie Seppinni, says the reasons people fall into a sexless marriage are varied. She says many people don’t realize that whatever issues a couple has prior to getting married are still there after they get married, even exacerbated by the demands of marriages.

“Those issues from before, if they aren’t resolved, wind up separating the couple in the bedroom,” Seppinni says. “So superficially you may think a couple has a great marriage, but behind closed doors, when they go to bed they’re not having an intimate relationship.

In other cases, she says couples get married and the sex wasn’t that good to begin with, but they marry anyway thinking that this person is THE ONE and the can live with the fact that the sex isn’t that good.

“It’s not until they’re married and ‘stuck’ that they realize that sex is a much bigger part of the relationship than they estimated in terms of importance,” she said.

Sometimes couples end up in sexless marriages because a partner changes, and it’s not what their spouse thought would happen. “So the spouse withholds sex because it’s the only thing they feel in control over in the relationship,” Seppinni explains. “They feel vulnerable because they feel their partner has changed, and so even if their partner tried to initiate sex again, the spouse that hasn’t changed is then resistant.”

Seppinni says it’s important for couples to be aware of the intimacy, or lack thereof, in their marriage.

“When a marriage becomes sexless, a lack of sex or affairs is symbolic of the relationship not working,” she says. “So by the time you get to the point where there’s no sex happening, it’s pretty damaged and will require a committed effort on both parts to bring back intimacy.”

She offers some warning signs that your marriage may be headed in a sexless direction:

• Gradual decline in amount of times you have sex (willingness to let things interfere like job, kids, preferences like time of day).
• One partner constantly asking or initiating sex and the other person always giving an excuse for why it can’t happen.
• One person may start making comparisons such as “I’ve noticed that other women have their nails done and wear lingerie to bed” or “Other men wear boxer briefs.” Usually it’s a statement that references people in general but they could be thinking of someone specific they have in mind, someone they find attractive or have a crush on.
• The couple doesn’t go to bed at the same time regularly – one person stays on the computer, in the living room etc.
• You stop having playful flirtations with each other that you had at the beginning of the relationship.

Can a marriage do a u-turn and get back on the highway to a healthy sexless life? It’s challenging for sure says Seppinni. “… you still think about your previous history of sex together and what the limitations were. Let’s say you had a particular type of sex life with your partner and it ended. Now, the partner wants to reinitiate sex. It’s challenging because you had a pattern with how sex is initiated and who does what, and when one person tries to alter that the other person feels more vulnerable because that has changed. They can start becoming distrustful and thinking the other person is cheating, which worsens the situation since an intimate relationship requires trust.”

But there are some things you can do. She offers these tips:

Seek help. In order for you to get back on track, you really need to have an intervention with an outside person who can be objective, such as a marriage counselor.

Take responsibility. Personal responsibility is key. It’s up to you to keep the romantic feel going. “Date Nights” are a good idea for married couples, especially those with kids, and that should end in sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is a very important part of date night.

It’s really your personal responsibility to remember that you made a commitment to this person, and whatever is going on with you is not just about you. It doesn’t affect only you, it also affects the person you are with. It’s on you to address the issue head on. Just because you decided, for example, that you’ve gained too much weight and don’t want to be seen naked, it’s not good enough, because you are still responsible for the other person’s needs. It’s a partnership– it only works if you’re both actively engaged.

Spice things up. If sex is boring, use fantasy and role play to make it more fun. Become spontaneous and creative again, become open to new things. Think creatively and outside the box, without judging the other person for their fantasies and desires. Physically stepping outside the bedroom can interrupt the pattern you as a couple have had, so you can then start slowly getting to know each other again.

So tell us, are you in a sexless marriage? And if so, how did you get there and do you want to change things … or does it work for you? E-mail your story to Julie@BettyConfidential.com, and we promise to keep your identity confidential if you choose!


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11 thoughts on “Do You Have a Sexless Marriage?

  1. Fern says:

    this terrifies me — I’m afraid of getting married and ending up sexless!

  2. lotsowritin25 says:

    i gotta be honest, if the sex isn’t good before marriage then you’re screwed, and not in the good way. i feel you must mix it up every now and then…bring more exciting things into the bedroom and see how that works. toys, food, whatever. we’re humans and humans need sex!

  3. CourtesanCoach says:

    Oy vey is all I have to say…

  4. Carolyn88 says:

    I don’t understand why one wouldn’t address the issue from the getgo. If something’s bothering you, speak up!

  5. IQD says:

    You feel unwanted, and your mind wanders. After so many years it becomes more difficult to leave. The grass may be greener and growing on the other side but, it’s a yard you are used to!

  6. CaseyJane says:

    I have to say the point about going to bed at the same time is really important but hard to do! My boyfriend likes to stay up late on the computer and I go to bed earlier.. those are the nights we don’t have sex. When we go to bed closer to the same time we always do. I never thought about it until now. Very interesting.

  7. snowangel59 says:

    Had sex a lot at first, and now he has ED, does not feel right taking the Blue pill. Even though he has this issue, I still fill it is my fault sometimes. It is an ugly situation. If I press him to take a pill he gets flustered, so I have stopped asking. Self satisfaction is ok but!!!! I miss the whole act of making love. Really bummed about this part of my Life. I really don’t want to go to someone else’s yard if you know what I mean. Don’t know what kinda fertilizer they been using, LOL

  8. Belly Button says:

    Had great sex life before kids. After 1st one, it slowly declined. I had gained weight due to a bad pregnancy so I felt I was just to blame. Now, 7 years later, I am thinking of having an affair because I am painfully lonely in my own home. The last time we had sex, it had been a year with out it. Since that time, it has almost been another year….and, I am the one that brings it up. It has made me bitter, and hateful towards him. I have begged and pleaded to him, and he does not think there is a problem…he is happy so there is no problem. Yes, I know an affair is not the answer, but I am almost to that point. Hard to have hope when your partner really thinks there is not a problem.

  9. teddyntaffy says:

    I am 32 yrs old and my husband is 31. married ten years have the same issue almost word for word for 6 yrs now and even though i have repeatedly addressed it but their is no change in sight I don’t believe in divorce unless their is adultery or spousal abuse so I am just sticking it out it is not easy but i continue on

  10. star says:

    I have been in a sexless marriage for way too long. I have stayed due to kids and finances. We finally got into marriage counseling to address the issues. Lack of sex is a symptom. I was always the one to initiate the sex, and I finally stopped asking about 2 years ago. The answer was always no–or ask me in a month. I even had a male friend who gave me suggestions of how to flirt with my spouse–some of which I tried, but he didn’t get it. I don’t think he gets it yet. Ask for what you want and what you need, put a time limit on it. Let your spouse/partner know that you have needs and need to be respected. I would say to anyone to go to a counselor/therapist, with your spouse or by yourself if your spouse won’t go. Do what ever it takes to make things better. Then you may need to make choices. If things get better, keep working on it. If things don’t get better, you have to weigh your options. One thing I found out is that the relationship that I live in–we live like roommates and are even beyond much arguing–is toxic to the kids. What we live, they learn. They are not prepared to live in a healthy relationship in their future. As Dr. Phil says, kids would rather be from a broken relationship than live in one.

  11. 2yearwife says:

    Why does it have to be a bad thing? My husband and I don't have sex all that often; we've been married a couple years. Neither of us is particularly concerned about it. When we want to, when we have time to, we do. If we don't? We don't worry about it. We have had MANY conversations about it, and we both wholeheartedly believe that just because we don't have sex that often does not mean we don't have an intimate or healthy relationship. It's normal for US, and we are fine with it. I hate that people and articles like this try to make us feel differently like there is something wrong with us.

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