ASK REAL GUYS
I Think He’s About to Cheat
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: OK, I am trying to not be suspicious, but I cannot help it. I am 41 and my husband is 42, this is my second marriage (his third) and we have been married for three years. There is a girl around the age of 28 who he comes in contact with almost daily as he does work for their doctor’s office. I recently discovered that they have been text messaging. I checked the cell phone bill and it is daily – an average of like 10 to 20 texts a day. One evening I could hear his phone going off in his office at home and I made a little comment about it, he said I was being silly and that he would never cheat on me and that it hurt his feelings that I would think that.
So despite letting him know that it bothered me, it has continued. So, as much as I debated over doing this, I checked his cell phone. All of the messages in his outbox and inbox were to and from her.
I was out of town on Monday at my grandfather’s funeral, and he stayed home to work. There was a message on his cell from her saying “I thought you were going to come by and smoke.” There was also one from him asking her for a naked picture. I was really having a hard time figuring out which responses went with what, but the rest of it was nothing implicative of an affair. I do not think he is actually cheating yet, but I do think he is on the way. In his last marriage he carried on a 2-year Internet relationship with a woman in another state. He didn’t see anything wrong with it since they never physically did anything. However, I think that when you share a private part of your life emotionally or physically, it is betrayal.
I don’t want to say anything, unless I have hard evidence. What can I do to know? I refuse to be made a fool of. I make more money than him and he would not be able to make it financially without me. He is still being sweet to me and tells me he loves me, etc., but all this text messaging is driving me nuts.
Now, that said, for background on him — he does, I think, chat with women on the computer from all across the united states in order to get naked pictures of them for masturbation purposes or what have you. I know about it, but I do not bitch about it — I kind of ignore it as I don’t want to be involved, etc. That bothers me a little, but not so much as interaction with a real woman that he sees in person on a daily basis.
Her and her sister are moving into a house that we previously rented, so I have met them, they came to see the house and get boxes from us for moving, and to “smoke” with him and have a few drinks. I don’t smoke and am not really a part of that scene – so they go in the back and smoke and I usually stay up front with a glass of wine or something and then her sister will come talk to me, and eventually all of us will be socializing, etc. before they leave. I am always friendly, but I am suspicious.
How can I know where his heart is and how can I know if he is really on the path to doing something he shouldn’t? Is all this my fault? He makes me feel guilty when I say something bothers me because he says it hurts his feelings that I would think he would cheat on me. I don’t know what to think. Thanks for your input in advance.
Steven: Let’s see. He has carried on discussions with other women – which he also did in his last marriage – he asks for naked pictures of women …I would say you know in your heart this is not a good sign even if he is not cheating now, he is on his way. Do you really want to be with someone that operates as he has with other women? I think the bigger question is why you are not standing up for yourself, being clear on what you want as well as what you will and will not put up with (your negotiable and non-negotiables). Until you take a stand for yourself who will? It sounds like you have trained and conditioned him that this behavior is OK…even though to you it really is not. Be clear with him and start to set the course for the relationship you want either with him or someone else.