An Open Letter to Heidi Montag
BettyConfidential’s poet laureate feels that The Hills star needs an intervention — in iambic pentameter.
Betty’s Poet Laureate
This is our open letter to Heidi Montag.
We write ’cause your remarks have raised a red flag
Please tell us it’s not true, that it’s all a dream,
That you lied to land the cover of People magazine.
Ten procedures in a day for a girl of twenty-three?
Your behavior warrants a visit from the LAPD
We did notice that you’d undergone rhinoplasty
But a chin reduction too? Well, that’s just ghastly.
Perhaps it’s all the collagen, all this Botox you have used,
About which TV show you’re on, you appear to be confused.
You are supposed to be on The Hills, you know, on MTV,
Yet you look like you’ve wandered onto the set of The Real Housewives, OC.
And along with your disturbing plastic surgery addiction,
We must add to your rap sheet one more conviction.
You’re delusional. This crazy talk of a singing career,
We officially give your album the old Bronx cheer
You say Superficial will be bigger than Thriller by Michael Jackson,
Heidi, you’re talking blasphemy — we demand an immediate retraction.
No matter how much work you get done, how much you’re obsessed,
No serum can help; your talent will only ever be self-professed.
(We concede the career benefits of your breast augmentation,
Your resume now reads: Ready for use as a device of flotation.)
But, no matter how often, how diligently you inject,
You’ll never find that elusive self-esteem, nor self-respect.
Please get your act together, Heidi, it is essential.
Sincerely yours, XOXO, Betty Confidential.
Betty’s Poet Laureate spends more time than she’d like to admit reclining on her sofa, eating grapes and writing love sonnets to Jon Stewart.