An Open Letter to Heidi Montag

BettyConfidential's poet laureate feels that The Hills star needs an intervention - in iambic pentameter.

An Open Letter to Heidi Montag

BettyConfidential’s poet laureate feels that The Hills star needs an intervention — in iambic pentameter.

Betty’s Poet Laureate

 Heidi Montag

This is our open letter to Heidi Montag.
We write ’cause your remarks have raised a red flag

Please tell us it’s not true, that it’s all a dream,
That you lied to land the cover of People magazine.

Ten procedures in a day for a girl of twenty-three?
Your behavior warrants a visit from the LAPD

We did notice that you’d undergone rhinoplasty
But a chin reduction too? Well, that’s just ghastly.

Perhaps it’s all the collagen, all this Botox you have used,
About which TV show you’re on, you appear to be confused.

You are supposed to be on The Hills, you know, on MTV,
Yet you look like you’ve wandered onto the set of The Real Housewives, OC.

Heidi Montag 

And along with your disturbing plastic surgery addiction,
We must add to your rap sheet one more conviction.

You’re delusional. This crazy talk of a singing career,
We officially give your album the old Bronx cheer

You say Superficial will be bigger than Thriller by Michael Jackson,
Heidi, you’re talking blasphemy — we demand an immediate retraction.

No matter how much work you get done, how much you’re obsessed,
No serum can help; your talent will only ever be self-professed.

(We concede the career benefits of your breast augmentation,
Your resume now reads: Ready for use as a device of flotation.)

But, no matter how often, how diligently you inject,
You’ll never find that elusive self-esteem, nor self-respect.

Please get your act together, Heidi, it is essential.
Sincerely yours, XOXO, Betty Confidential.

Read An Ode to Gerard Butler’s Lost Abs

Betty’s Poet Laureate spends more time than she’d like to admit reclining on her sofa, eating grapes and writing love sonnets to Jon Stewart.

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0 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Heidi Montag

  1. How can these fake boobed, false people get so into themselves? Never liked her and then she has an egotistical mate that is just a joke to humans.

    There are better ways to spend your money, like helping out the people in Haiti or local food pantry. But then you wouldn’t be blasted on tv or in the news. Boo hoo!

  2. Can’t say I’ve ever watched anything she’s ever done, however I’m reading tons of Mom Blogs upset with People & Heidi for promoting this. What impression/message does that give our young teen women about self confidence & self esteem? A very negative one in my opinion. A sad story.

  3. Any slef respecting woman would not have done this. I think if they don’t get any attention drawn to them they will go away. Who needs Heidi and Spencer Pratt………

  4. I watched the video of her dancing on Miss America on Betty’s site, and she SO can’t dance! She (& old Spenc too) do still make me gag, but I really am starting to feel sad for such a desperate fame whore.

  5. It really scary because she looks like a different person. Chin Reduction – are you kidding – Jay Leno maybe but anyone else – NO. What message is this sending to girls – so wrong

  6. Heidi and her egotistical husband should go away, their fifteen minutes of fame is up! Neither one of them have any talent what so ever, so why are they famous? I don’t get it????Will somebody please explain it to me..


  7. Heidi and her arrogant idiot husband need to get ‘Lost’ because they are so foolish and ignorant. She was ok before all the plastic surgery, but now she looks like a blow up doll and she is ugly!!! It’s amazing what some idiots will do for attention. I’m amazed that People fell for this trick; I thought they were a bit smarter than that. Speidi will be yesterday’s news by Monday!

  8. When I got my copy of People Magazine I was astonished to see Heidi on the cover. With the horrendous sadness going on in Haiti, how in the world they put her on the cover is mind blowing! She is not pretty, she looks like a wax figure, so completely phony! She and her arrogant husband are publicity whores and act so idiotic just to get publicity! This is a typical Hollywodd stupid story. What kind of message is this sending to young girls? It should be enough to be beautiful on the inside, but she is promoting the notion that you must be better on the outside. Problem is, she doesn’t look any better. She has a fat and low hanging chin annd her fake boobs are laughable. She’s already done it all and will burn out shortly. UGH!

  9. OMG, have you ever heard her sing??? She is awful and she is saying that her album will be bigger than Michael Jackson’s Thriller! Are you kidding me?? Ha ha hs ha ha

  10. At 23 she does not need any plastic surgery! She was pretty before and now she just looks weird. Its sad that people feel they need to have 10 procedures done to look good. If it had just been a nose job or a boob job that wouldnt of been that big of a deal. But to change so much about yourself where there is no flaw is delusional.

  11. Love the poem. Too funny. But I seriously agree. 10 surgeries and she still doesn’t have whatever it is she is seeking. Fame? Self confidence? Talent? No amt of surgeries can ever give you that if you just don’t have it yourself.

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