Can a Girl Find Passion AND Stability?
The right mix
I recently returned from the San Francisco International Film Festival showing of Heaven Hearts. The film focuses on unspoken truths of infidelity and the constant struggle between stability and passion as the basis for a relationship. Although stability clearly seems to indicate longevity, who wants longevity without passion? On the flip side, is passion only doomed to burn itself out?
Although we always want a mix of both, men–and our relationships with them–typically seem to fall in one of the two categories: The type you want to talk to all night about 401(k) plans and the type you don’t want to waste your time talking to at all, given the, um, other things you could be doing.
While I was busy trying to calm my neurosis to date one man, my friend Alexis was lucky enough to be dating two–one on each end of the passion/stability spectrum. Her men came in two flavors:
1. Motorcycle driving/tech start-up /spontaneous boy
2. Volvo driving/stable banker/plans out dates in an Excel spreadsheet guy
However, two-timing cannot last forever. Alexis was going to have to make a choice … just which was the right one?
In terms of the stability quotient of the two men, Excel man clearly wins. He is established in his career and social scene. As far as long-term relationship material, he has stated (yes, out loud) that he longs for “something serious.” He wrote the book on chivalrous dating (it’s on Amazon), and has a bank account that can afford one, if not two, houses with white-picket fences.
Moto boy, on the other hand, is just starting out. His company and side hobby as a band bass player make him work unpredictable hours. Dates are often planned two minutes beforehand, if at all. He may or may not be seeing other people. He’s more fun than you can shake a stick at, but you just never know when that shake is coming.
However, when it comes to the passion quotient, Moto Boy takes the lead. “I can barely sit across the dinner table without jumping over and ripping off his clothes,” says my friend. Their first make-out session? “Hot Hot HOT.” The first make-out session with Excel guy? “Umm, it was nice.”
So what’s a girl to do? Do we go for stability and hope that passion develops? Perhaps after two years of stable dating, Excel man will turn into a caballo de sucio amor (dirty love horse). I can see it already. On their usual drive to Sonoma while listening to NPR, Excel man feels fire overcome his loins. He abruptly pulls the car over to the side of the road, changes the channel to D’Angelo, and makes wild love to my unassuming friend in the car by the Sonoma mini mart in front of surprised tourists. Passion will be ignited for the remainder of their years, and both will be fulfilled.
Or perhaps passion in the better choice. My friend just may have to endure a couple of years while Moto Boy figures out his place in life. Of course, she’ll be assured of a lot of fun, laughs and orgasms until that happens. And then perhaps during a typical passionate interlude up against a chain link fence, Moto Boy will spontaneously drop that he wants to work less, settle down, get a dog and start being passionate in 800 count sheets in a house in the suburbs. He’ll declare, ‘Let’s move in together!’
It’s a tough call. I personally like chain-link fences. But waiting for seriousness can also take the fun out of fun. And perhaps a more balanced option will come along for Alexis, putting her other suitors out of the game. Passion and stability–is it possible to have both?
Read Heidi’s last blog post: “I Need a Man?”