Study Says Coffee Shrinks Your Boobs

A new study shows that three or more cups a day of coffee can shrink your breasts.

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Study Says Coffee Shrinks Your Boobs

Why can’t it be our muffin tops or our thighs?!

-Mary Beth Sammons

coffee boobsOk, so it’s not like it’s a secret – coffee is the pick-me-up du jour for my circle of friends, the hard-core stressed. (And yes, when we get together for “girl’s nights” it’s wine.) But now, as if life isn’t making us feel anxious enough lately, it turns out our daily jolt of caffeine, the life force that keeps us going, is shrinking our already sinking boobs.

According to Swedish scientists  women like me who sip three or more cups a day can expect their breasts to start disappearing. The trade-off is that it lowers your risk for breast cancer. That’s certainly good news.

But seriously, is okay to have one vice that won’t kill or scar me? One little perk that I can savor and know it’s my reward for heading to the gym at 5 a.m. or surviving a weekend on teen curfew patrol?

Not to mention the vanity front … This headline-maker certainly explains a recent incident at the mall with my 16-year-old daughter who led us into Victoria’s Secret to buy the latest in the “Pink” line. We were practically accosted by a tape measure wielding salesperson. This I-won’t-take-no-for-an-answer clerk INSISTED we get our bra sizes measured, even though I was pretty certain after many years buying bras I knew my cup size. Evidently not.

With an almost singing glee, said sales clerk popped out of my daughter’s dressing room to announce, “She’s bigger than you!” (I was reminded of that movie about shrinking the kids – only now she’s regaling: “Honey, you’ve shrunk your boobs!”) And thus my discovery that I am indeed shrinking to a 34A from 34B, while my daughter is a C.

So now I know why. It’s my Caribou/Starbucks twice-a-day habit. But, why, I query, why can’t café shrink my thighs, or my stomach? WHY MY BOOBS?

I guess I’ll have to wait for the next revealing study to make the front page of AOL. Let’s see … wine causes cellulite to grow. Or chocolate, thought to be a home remedy for depression, is causing the blues. Another day, another study to wonder what the one vice I have in my life is doing to cause more stress.


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