Conveyor Belt of No-They-Didn't!

New speed dating show Conveyor Belt of Love is spectacularly awful.
3 / 3

Conveyor Belt of LoveThe other bachelors sell themselves with a variety of disturbing talents. There’s a magician, a ukulele player, a singer, a comedian, a guy who writes poems about giving women milk baths, a man obsessed with his grandma and a virgin who makes balloon animals.

If you want a clue to the train wreck that is this show, the virgin who makes balloon animals – think Ned Flanders from The Simpsons – gets picked. (Still scratching my head on that one.) But when “Ned” later gets traded for a cooler guy, he momentarily refuses to get back on the conveyor belt for his exit. I was hoping they’d throw down. They didn’t exactly, but I could tell they were about to and things might come to blows later in the men’s room. Awesome.

After the girls make their final choices from the vending machine ‘o love, they take their belt booty on dates. This part of the show is lame and boring. Except for maybe Keiko’s date with the half-naked man, during which they both bring their tiny dogs wearing tiny sweaters and make out hard on the dance floor. Throughout the other dates, I found myself chanting at the screen – Bring back the belt! Bring back the belt!

Oh dear, they’ve gotten to me already. Whether or not ABC brings back the show again (men picking ladies off a belt scares me slightly, but you just know it’s coming soon) – this one is for the history books: January 4, 2010 – the day Conveyor Belt of Love debuted. And civilization died inside.

Bring back the belt!!!!

Carrie Seim, Betty’s L.A. Correspondent, is a writer and comedian keeping it real in L.A., New York and @

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