Death to the Groundhog!

That will teach the groundhog to see his shadow

In Her Words

Death to the Groundhog!

That’ll teach him to see his shadow

-April Daniels Hussar

Groundhog DayDear “Phil” the Groundhog,

Look Mister Fuzzy Face, haven’t you ever heard of the power of positive thinking? I’m sorry, but I absolutely cannot abide an extra six weeks of winter. I just can’t. So you just go back into your little hole, come out again, and FAKE IT! Got that? Otherwise I know the name of a very nice taxidermist who might be able to change your mind.

Here are a few reasons I simply cannot tolerate ONE – let alone SIX – more weeks of winter:

· Chapped lips, chapped skin, dry hands, static-cling hair. There’s not enough moisturizer in the world to help me at this point.

· Our January gas and electric bill: just shy of $1,200. Yes, you read that correctly, little Mr. Full-Time-Fur-Coat. TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. And that’s with us keeping the thermostat low (not to mention arguing about it all winter), and by “low,” I mean, IT’S FREEZING IN HERE.

· If I hear myself tell my daughter again to put on socks, put on a sweater, wear her mittens, find her hat, aren’t you cold in that I am going to strangle myself.

· Winter: It’s bad for the environment. Yes, all this cold, miserable weather finds me warming up the car for very un-PC amounts of time and driving EVERYWHERE. All this gas guzzling and polluting may be good for Exxon and PSE&G but it’s bad for our planet Earth. Also – it makes Al Gore look bad. (Hello, global warming?)

· If my family and friends in California and Florida don’t stop casually mentioning the glorious, 80-degree weather, homicide is going to be committed. Better you than them, “Phil.”

According to Fox news:

Since 1886, Phil has seen his shadow 97 times, hasn’t seen it 15 times, and there are no records for nine years, according to the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club. The last time Phil didn’t see his shadow was in 1999.


I’m a big believer in second chances. You have 24 hours to rethink your alleged “shadow sighting.” In the meantime, I’m going to Google “groundhog pie.”


April “Fed-up with winter and going just a little crazy about it” Hussar

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0 thoughts on “Death to the Groundhog!

  1. And hey I’m in Cali and I’m freezing, though I suspect that you are giggling. The night we went to see ‘The Producers’ in Manhattan was THE coldest evening of my life haha; and of course every cab had to be taken up after midnight. Sheesh. 😉

  2. Hey, it is cold in Florida too- will go down to 39 tonight. Sure, the cold snaps may not last as long as they do up north, but when it goes from 80 one day to 39 the next, your body just screams “WHAT THE F*%#!!!”

  3. Great piece! True and funny :-) By the way, I do know a good taxidermist in Florida I can turn you on to–who knows, maybe a road trip with Mr. Groundhog is in the cards–it’s a win-win for you!

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