Gwyneth Paltrow vows to quit her fattie lifestyle
Most people’s resolutions involve losing weight or quitting a bad habit, like a shady boyfriend or smoking. I never make them because I always break them by January 2 and growing up Catholic left me with enough guilt – I don’t need any extra.
But apparently Gwyneth Paltrow did. The already somewhat skeletal starlet vowed to join the rest of America by shedding some post-holiday pounds. As she shared with subscribers to her GOOP newsletter, “you can detox easily and effectively while you continue to eat as long as you are cutting out the foods and other substances that interfere with the detoxification process.”
According to Gwynnie, these interfering foods include: Dairy (is a life without cheese worth living?), grains with gluten, meat (ditto a life without steak), shellfish (mmmm, I guess that means oysters Rockefeller are out) anything processed (leggo my Eggo!), fatty nuts, nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar and “obviously no alcohol, caffeine or soda.” On what planet is eliminating alcohol “obvious?”
Leaving Gwyneth with a diet of clear broth, fresh fruits and leafy green vegetables. Oh, and air. As much as she can gulp into her malnourished little lungs.
But I wonder if she read this story in the Guardian that says this whole “detox” fad is just a bunch of crap (freshly colonic’ed crap, natch). The paper quoted award-winning science author/scientist Dr. John Emsley as saying: “There is no scientific reason for people to waste time and money on so-called detox regimes, fancy diets, or expensive remedies, none of which can compare to the detox system that is already inbuilt into our natural system.”
Hear that, Gwyneth? Go eat a donut! And while we’re calling out celebs, at least Gwyneth cops to not-eating and working out 24/7. Which is more than I can say for Kate Winslet. I’m sorry Kate – I love you, but you did not get that bangin’ bod from 20 minutes of Pilates a day. Why must celebrities lie and say they came by their fab assets naturally? Is it just to make us flabby mortals feel even worse about ourselves?
Oh, but I digress . . . the most shocking news to come out of the detox story is this: You know those Kenoki detoxifying foot pads that are supposed to suck all the toxins in your body out through your feet? The scientists say they don’t work either. Harumph. If you can’t count on late-night infomercials, who can you count on? Next thing they’ll be telling us there’s no Santa Claus. . . .