Or, as Adam, a 25-year-old working at a New York City media-buying agency, puts it: “They don’t call them ‘fun bags’ for nothing.” That’s unless the boobs in question are too big. Adam went to Hooters this past weekend to “watch the game” (yeah, I hope your team won, buddy!) and reports that his waitress was tiny in stature, but had huge breasts. “She just looked weird,” he says.
Not only do guys stare at boobs, we also tend to break them down like we do our favorite sports teams. We’re like the bears in the children’s book, Goldilocks and the Three Bears: “This porridge is too hot, this porridge is too cold, and this porridge is juuuust right.” Only switch “porridge” with “breasts,” “hot” with “too big,” “cold” with “too small” and “just right” with “supple.”
“I prefer small ones,” says Michael, a 36-year-old mechanic living in Tennessee. “The big ones seem like if I poke them they’ll giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Plus, if a girl has big boobs and I’m talking to her, it’s very hard not to glance down, which she’ll see and think I’m a pig. At least when I steal glances at her ass it’s behind her back.”
This, of course brings us to one of the main perks of being a guy: Our prized anatomy isn’t out in the open for everyone to see. Less-endowed men can hide their flaws but less-endowed women, like Kate Hudson, unfortunately can’t. But that doesn’t mean bigger is always better. And it definitely doesn’t mean you should be showing your assets off to anyone who wants a peek.
For Nick, a U.S. Army Cavalry Troop Commander stationed in Al Kut, Iraq, it’s a major turn-off when a girl he’s going out with wears low-cut shirts to get attention. “A certain amount of modesty helps when you’re in public, though whatever she wears when she’s alone with you is all good,” the twenty-six-year-old says. “I don’t go out wearing spandex shorts, showing off the goods! Sometimes I think women go a little too far with their flaunting.”
Unless, of course, their breasts are “just right,” like the porridge, and you’re my former college roommate, Jake. He loves breasts of all shapes and sizes, but admits that he’s begun to realize that the “perfect pair” may very well be unattainable. “I grew up watching lots of porn and I loved those tits,” says Jake, a 24-year-old photographer living in London. “But in the real world, the bigger they are, the lower they hang. For me, boobs are like the gold at the end of the rainbow; a great dream, but the ‘perfect pair’ just doesn’t exist.”
Fortunately, ladies, there is some hope that guys like Jake will eventually come around and appreciate the beauty of “imperfection” the way Paul, a 46-year-old married guy from New York City with two kids, does. “When you see your wife breast-feeding, it changes the way you look at breasts,” says the accountant and Little League coach. “Those breasts that are sagging now are the same ones that made sure my kids were healthy.”
There’s nothing like a wise, middle-aged man to set the record straight on why breasts should be important to men. In the meantime, just bear with us, ladies. We’ll get there, eventually – or at the very least, we’ll learn how to be a little less obvious about what turns us on.
Tell us: Ladies, is your breast size something you spend a lot of time thinking about? If you’re big-chested, do you get a lot of unwanted male attention? If you’re on the small side, do you feel like you have to do whatever you can to “enhance” what you’ve got?
Justin DeMarco is a New York City-based writer. He co-wrote Hockey: The Musical with Rick Wilson, which premiered at the Toronto Fringe Festival in 2008.