Enough Barbie Already!

Barbie turned 50 -- who cares?

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Enough Barbie Already!

So she turned 50 – who cares?

-April Daniels Hussar

Barbie dream houseI thought it was kind of cute that Barbie had a fashion show at New York’s Fashion Week. I even admired the giant pink BARBIE letters in the main tent, filled with grinning Barbie dolls. I am not entirely immune to her plastic charms.

But seriously – enough already! So it was her birthday yesterday. What’s so great about Barbie anyway? As far as I can tell, in what is perhaps her desperate attempt to stay relevant (shades of Madonna anyone?), she just gets trashier and trashier and less like someone I’d want my 5-year-old daughter to play with. It’s no surprise to me to hear she was originally modeled after a men’s fantasy sex toy. Yes, you read that correctly.

I mean – are actual parents really buying the Barbie that comes complete with her own tattoo gun? Yes, you read that correctly too. Called Totally Stylin’ Tattoo Barbie, she supposedly lets kids “express their creativity” by pretending to permanently disfigure their skin. Hey, I have a great idea – why not just give them REAL tattoo guns? That would REALLY let them express themselves!

Yeah, yeah, I know – some of my best friends have tattoos too. Some of my best friends also drink martinis and have sex – hey, wait, so do I – but that doesn’t mean I need to introduce my daughter to those concepts. Actually – I probably won’t have to – Barbie will for me!

Not into Totally Stylin’ Tattoo Barbie? How about Porn Star Barbie – oh, sorry, my mistake – that’s Barbie Collector Doll Silver Label Little Red Riding Hood and Wolf Doll.  For fear of being accused of having a gutter mind – do they not look like they’re about to shoot a scene for the XXX-rated version of Little Red Fantasy?

fishnet Barbie

Knee-high fish-nets? Really?

Call me old-fashioned, but I preferred it when Barbie was merely a plastic manifestation of impossible female perfection.To think that I used to feel grateful for good old Barbie – still hanging around to provide a comparatively innocuous alternative to the Bratz dolls (don’t even get me STARTED) …

Alas, it seems Barbie is going the way of so many before her … willing to slut it up in order to stay trendy.

So – here we are – the day after Barbie’s big 5-0. The festivities are over – from the giant Barbie cake in Australia  to the pink-carpeted birthday bash at her REAL LIFE Malibu dream house.

Barbie herself is probably holed up in Chateau Marmont right now, waiting for her hair-of-the-wolf Bloody Mary. At least we won’t have to hear about her anymore for a while – in fact, hopefully not for another 50 years, when she turns 100. I shudder to think what she’ll be up to by then.

Oh, hey – did you hear – Tattoo Barbie got caught buying up for Makeover Dora. It’s going to be all over Page 6 tomorrow.

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