Woman to Women
Why Facebook Is the Devil
Talk about a site for virtual strangers, busybodies and stalkers!
We all have Facebook pages these days, right? Of course we do. Because we’re hip and savvy and whatever other cool word means “in touch with the online universe” these days. It’s kind of fun sometimes. You know, I get to poke my friends, write annoying stuff on their walls, send them weird gifts and answer stupid quizzes. So what’s wrong with that, right?
Well, as I use it, more and more friends from high school and college are finding me and adding me as friends. So here are these people who didn’t bother to keep in touch but who are now fake-interested in my life and where it’s been. OK, so that doesn’t really annoy me all that much, either. I mean, sure they didn’t keep in touch all along, but then neither did I. And reconnecting is kind of cool in a dorky let’s-say-we’ll-keep-in-touch-now-but-really-not sort of way. So, again, what’s my problem, right?
Here’s my problem. Every interaction invariably goes roughly like this:
Old friend: Hi Jane! It’s been so long! What have you been up to?
Me: Oh, you know, nothing much. Living in Baltimore, working in my office, going out with friends. It’s a good life. How about you?
Old friend: I’m great! Been married for [insert amount of time here]. We [(circle one) have kids, are pregnant, are looking to adopt, are starting to try for children]. Hey, didn’t you marry First Husband? Whatever happened to that? Do you have kids?
And this is where it has obviously all gone to hell. My profile clearly says I’m single … can’t you just add two and two and come up with the fact that I’m divorced? I mean, that really is four in this equation. And, knowing that, did you really need to ask about kids? I mean, sure I could have had them, but aren’t you trodding into delicate territory now? Did I respond and ask you why you have to adopt instead of having your own children? No? Wanna know why? Because it’s tactless, that’s why! And maybe, just maybe, you don’t want to have a personal discussion like that with a virtual stranger. When did it become acceptable to get in touch with someone you barely ever even knew and start rapid-firing sensitive questions? I mean, seriously. I haven’t even spoken to you in roughly 10 years, and now you want to ask all of this?
I want to know where all the other divorced folks are hiding. Where are my college friends who didn’t have babies and couldn’t make things work? You know where they are? Because I have an idea. They’re hiding from this nonsense! They are tired of being attacked with questions and barraged with their coupled-up acquaintances’ perfect little lives. They secretly think you all are hiding something, anyway – we all do. But they have decided they are tired of feeling like circus freaks for living alone with their cats.
The worst part comes after the conversation with an old friend. After you have revealed the big, bad divorce thing and your childless state. After you have tried to explain what a grand time you are having living alone and going out with your friends for booze on a regular basis. After all that, where you have put on a happy face and smiled and jollied it up, hoping they’ll see that your life, too, is cool.
Because after all that, they say they’re sorry. Sorry? Seriously? Because I’m not! I mean, old friend, I am happy that you are coupled and living the good life. I do not look down on that. I do not apologize to you because you are looking to adopt. I am not sorry for you. So save your “I’m sorry” comments from me, too, OK? I’m not sorry at all. I could still be married to that loser, you know? I could still be miserable every day of my life because I woke up next to him. But I’m not! I’m going out for happy hour on the spur of the moment because I’m not pregnant and I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission first. I’m doing what I want when I want without worrying about what someone else might think or feel about it. I’m going to the bathroom with the door open, dammit. My life is pretty freaking grand.
At least, I had myself convinced of that until 20 of you with your husbands and families got in touch with me just now. Now I’m just feeling a little weird. But it would certainly help if all of you hadn’t been sorry for me, you know?
Right. Damn Facebook.
Read more of Jane Wonder’s thoughts on http://onedatewonderland.com.