“Fire Your Therapist” and Get a Date
Dr. Joe Siegler coaches Carrie Seim in her quest for love
According to Joe Siegler, we’d all better off spending less time with a therapist and more time playing hard to get.
Dr. Siegler is a psychiatrist-turned-life coach and author of the new book Fire Your Therapist: Why Therapy Might Not Be Working for You and What You Can Do about It. (www. FYTBook.com) He believes women should go beyond simply analyzing their feelings and move toward a positive, results-oriented process of dating.
“I don’t see anyone as broken, I see everyone as terrific and normal,” Dr. Siegler announces cheerily. And he takes this same view when it comes to women looking for love.
“The goal is invigoration and harmony and fun,” he says of his relationship coaching.
I decided to have a little chat with Dr. Siegler to see if his theories were helpful or hokey – and if they might improve my own dating life.
Ditch the Checklists
I kept things professional at first, asking about his background, his book, how he shaped his theories. Then I couldn’t help myself.
“What if you’ve been dating a guy for awhile and you really want him to call you more often?” I blurted. “Can I say that?”
I caught myself. “I mean hypothetically, could a girl say that?”
“Don’t say it, don’t do it,” Dr. Siegler warned. “If you get into the mandating, ‘I need you to call me every day,’ it’s the beginning of checklisting.”
In Dr. Siegler’s world, “checklisting” – where women habitually make lists of what they need men to do – is relationship suicide. Apparently he just saved me from a fate worse than female independence
So what are we women supposed to do? Just hang around in dating purgatory without any sort of commitment or forward movement?
Dr. Siegler conceded that I could bring up the “Where are we at?” discussion during a calm, “playful” dinner. But otherwise, I should just pipe down on all the phone requests. And pipe up about my own life.
“Let him get a little jealous. Don’t do anything more than talking about what you’re doing with your fantastic life. If he’s bland and doesn’t care, he’s not the right thing.”
But isn’t making him jealous just reverting back to 1950s game playing?
“People are wired, especially guys, to want what they can’t have,” Dr. S. insisted. “If a woman is so into the commitment and making it happen, there’s no challenge for the guy. The best thing you can do is stay busy with all your interests and friends and not pressure him.”
I was certainly capable of staying busy. And my life is pretty darn fabulous. So – despite my feminist misgivings – I decided to follow the good doctor’s orders.