What Would Debbie Do?
He Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and we have known each other for four. Even before we started dating he told me that he loved me. I truly am in love with this man, and am super-happy to have him in my life. However, we are both virgins. This would not necessarily be a bad thing, but I’m 20 now and dying to get it over with. Every time I bring it up, he tells me that he simply panics and then can’t perform. Part of me feels that it’s just me. I’m a little overweight and have a tummy. I feel like I just turn him off.
We can do everything else, but the second it gets to sex, he just shuts down. Please help. I don’t want to lose him. I LOVE having him in my life. But I don’t think I can take it anymore. I’m so sexually frustrated that I’ve started smoking, and that’s not good.
I don’t want to guilt him into having sex with me, but I don’t know what else I can do. Please help!!
–No Pillow Talk
Dear Pillow Talk,
I can understand your desire for intimacy with the man you love. It’s a natural progression. But clearly, your boyfriend is having issues that are cause for concern, that I would guess have nothing to do with you.
I caution you to see this, and not attribute your weight, or appearance as a cause. If this man loves you, and has been with you, that would not be a prohibiting factor. I urge you to press this matter. It could be a myriad of things-from physical limitations, to sexual orientation, to plain old performance anxiety. But truly, if it was the latter, it should have resolved itself quickly. If he continues to put you off, and not want to discuss it, it would appear that the problem is deeper than you can imagine. And if so, you need to recognize that there may be a reason to seek counseling either together, or perhaps suggest he do it on his own.
Intimacy is a huge part of a relationship. Without it, other symptoms will begin to creep in and tear it apart. I think you need to get to the bottom of this quickly to determine if you are going to be compatible in the future. That’s what I would do.