ASK REAL GUYS
He Can’t Make Up His Mind
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: My boyfriend and I have been together for slightly over a year, and last summer we moved in together. Basically, the only good thing about that summer for either of us was each other. The strain combined with his fear of commitment (due to a past relationship) led him to break up with me. We were apart for two months, unkind words were exchanged but we later tried to be friends again. This eventually turned into a second shot at dating.
He has suggested that we live together again this summer, which is when he will graduate. I had hoped for this all along, but didn’t want to bring it up so soon. We spent half of winter break with one another, and we fought some of the time because he introduced me to his friend, the girl he made out with while we were broken up. That issue has been resolved, but soon after that he claimed to have changed his mind about living with me. He has said that although I am the right person, he hasn’t learned how to handle that yet.
Also, he has previously said (when we were on the topic of rent) that I shouldn’t’ worry if I couldn’t equally contribute, because there would be “years and years.” Now he says that he is NOT ready, and that he wants to live on his own first, even though he would have a suite-mate and I’d only be there for the summer.
To complicate matters my home situation is pretty bad. He feels guilty about me possibly having to end up there, but I wonder if he is trying to force me to take more initiative, which is something I struggle with. I took it as a sign of his trust when he suggested we live together. It feels like he is deliberately not trusting me, like I have to be more vulnerable in order for him to be so as well. He doesn’t understand when I attempt to talk about it, and he told me that doing so makes the situation worse. I don’t know where to go from here. Should I be patient and see if he comes around? Not necessarily the living together aspect, but committing long-term. Or do you think he is always going to disappoint me?
Matt: Don’t force the issue of living together. If he’s not ready – then let it be … things will fall into place and will work out. Your living scenario does not define a relationship. If you, or he, is not ready to move in together, don’t. There’s no reason to rush into living together – especially if you have a turbulent past. Take things slow and be sure not to repeat the mistakes from before.