ASK REAL GUYS
He’s Always Putting Me Down
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: My fiancé makes fun of me a lot, such as calling me a fatty, even though I’m thin. He makes fun of the way I eat, drink, sit, everything. Whenever I get offended he tells me that I shouldn’t take things so seriously, and that he’s really just being playful. Today I got so mad that I started crying and told him to stop, and I also said that he should compliment me more often instead. (I have no reason to be, but I do get self-conscious about my looks once in a while, like every girl. Having someone make fun of me doesn’t help). He went on about how he’s just sarcastic by nature, and that everyone he is close to gets made fun of. He said that he can force himself to compliment me, but that’s just not the way he would naturally express his love.
Of course, I don’t want him to force himself to tell me how nice I look in a specific dress. That ruins the whole purpose of a compliment. But I can’t live with his immature ways of mocking and teasing me constantly. When we started dating a few years ago he was different about complimenting me. He actually did it. Was he forcing himself back then too? I know he is now more comfortable with me etc, but once in a while? Is that so hard?
He just doesn’t take me seriously, and I don’t know how to make it clear to him. Whenever I get mad, I’m just “hormonal” in his opinion. What’s his problem? How can I get through his thick head? Otherwise he really is a good guy, and we want to get married soon. This one negative part just slowly seems to take over, and makes me doubtful and unhappy. Can you help me?
Steven: Sounds like he is unhappy on the inside and he is taking it out on you by taking you for granted, or he is probably saying negative things to keep you insecure so you can become more emotionally dependant on him. Whatever the case, this is not good and is not something you should walk over. There are two ways you can approach him. You can try to compliment him and see if that triggers him to compliment you. Or you could try treating him the way he treats you…but with comments that would really bother him (like balding hair, short height, unpleasing in the bedroom etc.) The problem with this approach is it can trigger him to be even more negative…like a competitive game. But perhaps you might want to consider couple’s therapy since you have brought up this issue to him and it seems to be getting worse instead of better.
Whatever you do, do not get married to him unless this is fixed otherwise you will live the rest of your life with someone who does not respect your wishes and tries to bring you down. Also, like I wrote about in my book Honesty Works, we train and condition people in how we want to be treated. If you allow this to continue, you are training and conditioning him that you will complain and bellyache but ultimately it is OK to treat you this way. Remember, if you do not stand up for yourself, then no one will.