Help! My Friend Is Dating a Loser

You loved this article about how being on your own is better than being with someone who doesn't deserve you, so we are bringing it back!
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Help! My Friend Is Dating a Loser

You loved this article about how being on your own is better than being with someone who doesn’t deserve you, so we are bringing it back!

-Libby Keatinge

Dating a loser

You all know who we’re talking about: That disrespectful, lazy, video-game-obsessed “loser” your friend, your sister – or maybe even you – are dating. We can’t stand him, but we just don’t know how to put into words that we think this fabulous woman, whose time he’s sucking away, deserves much much better.

But when you believe someone you care about is hooking up with a guy who’s unworthy of her affections, you need to proceed with caution. You don’t want to hurt your friend’s/sister’s feelings, but you have serious concerns about her future. In fact, it’s a problem that’s been known to sink friendships, or at the very least, it can make things terminally awkward at family get-togethers. In order to figure out how best to deal with this sticky situation, we talked to a few women who either know someone who’s dating a loser – or admit that they, themselves are. Here’s what they had to say.

Read How to Get Over Mr. Wrong and Find Mr. Right

“From the beginning, I knew my sister’s future hubby was a loser. She’s an educated, professional woman with a high-powered Wall Street career, and he always seemed to feel just fine settling into the role of being a pot-smoking, stay-at-home nothing,” Janie, 45, from Atlanta tells BettyConfidential. “I really wish I’d said something, because now it’s ten years, a wedding and two kids later, and she just seems stuck in a relationship where she does all the work – paying all the bills and doing all the household chores – and  he seems perfectly content doing absolutely nothing.”

But “losers” come in many different forms – not all of them are so obviously unsuitable. For example, a woman may end up wasting time with someone who’s financially well-off but isn’t available emotionally. Cassie, a 30-year-old New Yorker, admits that she’s addicted to this type of loser. After dating Tom* for several months, she says, “I expressed my feelings for him and told him I wanted us to date exclusively. His response was, ‘Give me two weeks.’”

Not so surprisingly, two weeks went by and nothing changed. All Cassie got were continual calls or text messages at 3 a.m., because he was so “busy” that that was the only time he could see or talk to her. So why did Cassie stay with this guy? “Because I’m hoping that maybe one day he’ll see my efforts, appreciate that I’ve been right there and he’ll come around.”

Matchmaker Marla Martenson, author of Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker tells BettyConfidential that in the world of dating, this behavior is all too common. “If his actions aren’t showing interest in you early on, when he’s most likely to make the effort to impress you, then chances are they won’t change later, when he’s even more likely to take your devotion for granted,” she explains.

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13 thoughts on “Help! My Friend Is Dating a Loser

  1. Ugh, this one is so hard! If it’s a good friend, and the guy she’s dating really is terrible, you have to say something. She’s going to be mad at you, but as someone who cares about her, you have to let her know why her bf’s no good. Just remind her, it’s not like you’re getting anything out of it if they breakup, you’re just keeping her best interests in mind.

  2. I’m not sure I would say anything unless I thought the guy had serious problems,like drug abuse. Otherwise, you just get yourself in the middle of an awkward situation.

  3. This is really difficult. I’ve been in this situation before, and there’s no easy answer. I always say as long as my friends are happy, it’s fine, but once the guy’s behavior starts to bring my friends down, I speak up.

  4. I’ve been in this situation recently and I DIDN’T say anything — and now my friend is married to the guy. Sadly, I think she’s just beginning to see the reality of her situation. Must say that I’m kicking myself a bit at this point — really wish I’d been brave enough to speak out back in the beginning!

  5. I’m dealing with this problem right now! My friend is dating this ne’er do well guy who’s got the mind set of a teenager even though he’s in his early 40s. He’s had a drinking problem, has no steady job, and wears a bandana around his head because he doesn’t want to face up to the fact that he’s going bald and needs to cut his hair already. He and my friend always arrange their dates through “texting,” because he seems to be allergic to using the phone. She knows how I feel about him and says she’s not taking the relationship seriously, but her actions say otherwise. At this point, there’s very little I can do, here. She’s got to make up her own mind about him.

  6. The girl in this situation needs to go see a professional and figure out why she doesn’t love herself enough to want a healthy, nurturing and fully reciprocal relationship. She’s trying to work out an old issue, is superimposing the template from that over top of her romantic relationships. The only way to stop doing that is to find out what the root of it is, and no girlfriend can do that for her, unless the GF happens to be a doctorate in Psychology. This is not an area for a friend to tackle, too many risks, not the least of which is losing a friend. Anyone who finds themselves in this position would be wise to opt for being supportive but discreetly quiet until your friend confides in you that she thinks she messed up getting involved with him. We sometimes have the idea it is our job to “fix” our friends, our men. It isn’t and further, it is destructive, negative behavior that maybe oughta be looked into as well. Giving advice ( unless you’re a professional in that line of work) is a waste of time, unless it’s about fashion or interior design or what car to buy. Women choose men for a host of very complex reasons; to assume your “opinion” would be welcomed or change the tide is arrogant and disrespectful to your friend; it presumes you know better for her than she does and very, very few people would appreciate that concept regardless of the loving intent behind it.

  7. i’ve found that when i have to say something negative about a friend’s choice of partner, they tend to rush up to his defense and start closing me out…only allowing us to be close again after the relationship has busted up. so diplomacy is called for, remarks that allow her to see the bad qualities for her ownself, such as “has it really been two years since mark worked?” or “how much time have you two had together this week?” a question that forces her answer to be based on reality…but definitely don’t do this all the time or she will put that wall of defense up, and she or he will need your friendship to get through the mistake. then, there is the 1% of deadbeat relationships that actually might have some positive input in your friend’s life, as in she absolutely wants to be needed, or he cleans house and cooks for her while she works…yep….these could be exceptions to the rule, in which case we want our friend to be happy, so we should just zip it and adjust…some discomfort comes from your bff splitting her time with another person in her life besides you, so making sure it is not jealousy coloring him a loser in your eyes is the first thing we should do….from an old lady still trying to learn….lol..

  8. my friend is currently dating the biggest loser EVER..thiss guy spends most his free time at the skate park and expects her to want to spend all her free time there with him. dumb ass. on their walk home from the park he asks everyone he passes for change…to buy beer. bum. he

  9. Holy moly I would never pay for my friends deadbeat bf Miss Wilson. That sucks so bad. My sister married a dumb ass after only knowing him for 2 months ahhh gag me. I wish he would just disappear.

  10. i think couse of these kind of problem is early descision .i mean you should be paienet and wise in order to select best for yourself if you make mistake dont worry change your partner or friend with your behavier

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