I Don’t Want to Have Sex
Dear Amber: I have three children, and at the end of the day the last thing I want to do is have sex. What can I do to get in the mood, or should I just fake it?
Amber: Any sex therapist will tell you that nothing kills your sex drive like stress (no matter what the source — kids, work, family drama). Any sex therapist would also tell you that sex is an important part of any marriage. So should you fake it? Yes, and no. On the nights that you are completely beat, and see sex as only 15 minutes less time to sleep, hand your husband a box of tissues, hit the pillow and tell him he’s on his own. However, on nights when you do have a little bit of energy, put down your book, turn off the TV, set aside your e-mail, and focus that energy on your husband. Maybe initially you aren’t in the mood for sex, but after spending some time kissing and touching your man, maybe you will be. So it’s not so much faking it, as it is testing out the waters.
As far as getting yourself more in the mood for sex, you can focus on both yourself, and reigniting the flame with your partner. For yourself: Take a hot relaxing shower as a way to de-stress before going to bed. If you have any time during the day, go for a jog, or get some type of aerobic exercise – a proven way of boosting your sex drive. As far as reconnecting sexually with your husband, take advantage of our plugged in, technology-obsessed culture. Start exchanging sexy e-mails, text messages or phone calls about how much you want each other. Put the idea of sex in your head earlier in the day so it’s something that’s on both of your minds before bedtime. Another option is, don’t wait until the end of the day. Maybe every now and then it’s possible to meet up at home for “lunch” when you’re kids are off at school, or maybe there’s a morning you can go into work an hour late.
A last suggestion I’d make is to try watching some porn. This may seem like an odd thing to tell a woman, but middle aged women are actually the largest consumers of pornography. Studies also show that although women are less likely to admit it, they find pornography to be just as arousing as men. Plus these days, there are tons of companies that make porn especially tailored for women, so you don’t have to watch fake boobs, nasty men with greasy ponytails, and “I’m here to fix your TV” premises.