Is it OK to Dream About Other Men?

Are our bedtime fantasies healthy - or some kind of warning sign about your relationship?
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Read Sexual Fantasies: Are You “Normal”?

Manhattan psychologist Dr. Joseph Cilona says Phoenix and her literary soul mate are onto something. “Dreaming about other men can actually be a powerful way for women to use their minds for better sex with their own partners. Like many things we do, practice makes perfect.”

Margaret*, 36, says, “When I was pregnant with twins I had very erotic dreams. In one, I was ‘with’ George Clooney and my husband at the same time. I shared the details with my husband. He was intrigued that I was having such uninhibited dreams, and he used them to his advantage.”

But does all this dreaming with special guest stars mean that we secretly desire other men in real life? “In some cases yes,” says dream expert and author Lauri Quinn Loewenberg, of “You can’t help the attraction. Better to keep it safe and in your head than the alternative! But in most cases, naughty dreams of other men actually have nothing to do with sex at all.”

In other words, while our dreams probably don’t mean we really want to cheat, we shouldn’t necessarily just laugh them off and look forward to the next slumber party with Clive or George (or both!). Our dreams come from our pretty little heads, which, according to Loewenberg, means they have something to tell us.

For example, Paige, 33, (with her husband for six years, married for nearly three) has had sexy dreams about Brian Williams and Eric Dane (which she describes as “very McSteamy”). But she also once had a dream about President Obama. “There was no funny business, but our relationship was very intimate – kind of like he was my husband,” she says. “He was taking care of me, but no sex.”

In this case, says Loewenberg, Obama most likely represents Paige’s own power and ability to “preside” over her life: “He was taking care of her, which suggests she has a good relationship with her inner boss.”

Hmmm. Now if I could just figure out what Clive Owen represents to me. Maybe I should go take a nap ….

Do you dream about men other than your partner?

*Name has been changed.

April Daniels Hussar is BettyConfidential’s Deputy Editor.

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9 thoughts on “Is it OK to Dream About Other Men?

  1. Yes, I have sex dreams about men other than my boyfriend, even though we have a very good sexual relationship. I’m not sure why I have sex dreams with other men, but I know in my waking life I love my boyfriend and we have great sex, and I have zero desire to cheat.

    I’ve also had dreams where I was a monkey, a murderer, a flying superhero…and so on – so it’s hard to take dreams too seriously.

  2. I think that if you dream about a person other than your SO, it’s okay as long as it’s not frequent and that it doesn’t take over your mind and life. If you’re still thinking about it while waking, then it might be starting to get out of hand.
    But that said, I’ve dreamed about men other than my husband, but typically I’m with the man because something has happened to my husband: he’s gone missing (somehow), dead, etc. In other words, something horrible has happened. In the dream, I HAVE to be with the man for whatever reason: we’re in an arranged marriage, I have to be married, or some such reason (often the reason doesn’t make sense, not really even in the dream). And most of the time, I don’t even want to be in the relationship, like I said I often HAVE to be with the man. Eventually, I realize that that’s not the case (while in the dream) and realize that my husband is alive and well and I feel better. Occasionally I enjoy the dream, but not very much.

    P.S. Just FYI, I’m newly married :) Maybe that’s why my dreams are like that…or I’m just weird 😀

  3. I dream frequently about a co-worker who i find very attractive but we are both married…my most recent dream was about him telling me that he was going to leave his wife because he wanted to be with me and he asked if i was willing to leave my husband for him…what i find strange being that it is a dream and we tend to go for anything because its a fantasy i had to tell him i had to think about whether i would do it or not….i mean if this were the case in reality of course i wouldnt do it but why not in my dream? why not just say yes and go for it? thats whats really been bugging me about it. If anyone can give me some insight on this i would appreciate it.

  4. face the fact,no matter how hard we try to be to our partner, we cant help to dream and sometimes fantasize about other person. shouldnt be no harm to imagine as long as it doesnt become an obsession… :)

  5. Of course it is normal to have attractive feelings for other men, and yes sometimes the mind wanders and begins to fantasize. Anytime that starts to happen, I stop myself and immediately focus on fantasizing/daydreaming about my fiance instead. And I do tell him when it happens, and when we dream about other people we tell each other. It really strengthens our relationship and our openess with each other. It helps us to understand each other as well and help each other out when struggling with lust. And if we ever get jealous or hurt feelings we share those as well. It always ends with deeper communication between us. It’s not good to hide things from your spouse.

  6. I keep having this repeating dream where I am at a party at this huge house and I end up having to sneak around all of the parents and neighbors to “mess around” with the guy. Every time I have have the dream though, its a different guy. I have dreamed about my significant other’s best friend, to friends from high school, to celebrities. I think its healthy for women/men to dream about others. Although, in my case at least, I always feel soooo guilty about it and it makes me feel like I am cheating. Its made it ten times harder since our relationship went long distance.

  7. I know it's normal to think of other people but what happens when its reoccurring? Does that mean you may actually have feelings for that person? I've been having this dream that my boyfriends best friend and I fool around. I deny him at the beginning but always give in. Sometimes we even get caught by my boyfriend. We've been dating two years and this has never happened. How do you go about this? I just feel so guilty but I love my boyfriend to death

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