UPDATE: Madonna: Is She Actually a Vampire?
Seven reasons why I fear she may be. Don’t tell her I wrote this
NEWSFLASH! Mean Betty does not like to toot her own horn … but just last week she outlined a brilliant argument for why Madonna is most likely a REAL Vampire – see below. (No of course Mean Betty hasn’t been reading Twilight! Mean Betty is not a teenage girl. Mean Betty certainly does not have a crush on “Edward.” Mean Betty doesn’t know what you are talking about.) And now – we get further photographic evidence – not only is Madonna NOT aging, she seems to be reversing!
If you don’t believe in Vampires, what other possible explanations are there? The last time Mean Betty looked there were limits to plastic surgery.
OR – perhaps Madonna has a mysterious case of Benjamin Button?
Back oh about 800 years ago, Mean Betty was in 5th grade. For the talent show, my best friend Melissa and I teased our hair, wore matching white jean skirts, and lip-sang to a hot, hot song of the moment: Madonna’s “True Blue.” Oh yes, Mean Betty had the moves.
Fast forward to 2009. Many years have passed since those halcyon days of electric blue eyeshadow, Wham! posters and Reebok high tops. Melissa and Mean Betty have had time to fall out, not see each other for 20-odd years, and find each other again on Facebook.
SO WHY IS IT THAT MADONNA STILL LOOKS THE SAME?
Every day Mean Betty sees yet another photo of Madonna … spread-eagled in the latest Louis Vuitton campaign, coyly leaving the NYC “Kaballah” (if that’s what it really is) center, ogling a hot young Brazillian stud … YET SHE NEVER SEEMS TO AGE.
Why is that? Does Mean Betty really need to spell it out, people? It’s because she is actually a vampire. Oh, you think it’s just a coincidence that she wants to be involved in the next installment of the Twilight movies? Think again, dearies. Those films are like a perfect storm for Madonna, who clearly derives her youthful looks by sucking the blood from fresh young things.
There is no other explanation!
Don’t believe Mean Betty? Here are 7 more reasons that Mean Betty is convinced Madonna is a vampire:
1. She has publicly sucked the life-force out of at least one young starlet. One “kiss” onstage with Madonna and look what happened to Britney!
2. Madonna and Cindi Lauper came on the scene at the SAME TIME. Have you seen Cindi Lauper lately?
3. Her ex-husband Guy Ritchie calls her “It.”
4. The dumped girlfriend of her current “boyfriend” (emphasis on the word BOY), Jesus Luz, just decided to come out and declare he’s “a wonderful person” and he’s not after Madonna for the publicity. Riiiiight. Don’t all gorgeous scorned models go on record to randomly defend the men who ditch them? Can you say mind-control? (And anyway of course he’s not after Madonna for the publicity! Jesus has no control over his actions either because he’s UNDER HER SPELL! Don’t you people read??)
5. Her – dare I say it – preternaturally white skin.
6. Her favorite colors are black and red. I mean, there’s no actual record of that, but isn’t it obvious?
7. She wanted to live in a large, drafty castle in England. I’m sure some mysterious Eastern European country was her first choice, but then she would have had to fake a much harder accent.
Are you convinced yet? Add all the above up, mix it with the blatant truth that she simply does not age … Don’t say Mean Betty didn’t warn you.
Where’s Buffy when we need her?!