Madonna Finds Jesus … Luz
Who knew Jesus would have such awesome abs?!
Did you hear the one about the old musician with the hot young girlfriend? No? That’s because when some geezer rocker gets all naked and sweaty with a much younger woman, nobody bats an eyelid. (See also, Mick Jagger, Billy Joel, Bret Michaels, etc.) But when a woman dips into the shallow end of the dating pool you’d think the world was collapsing in upon itself.
Of course I’m talking about the Material Mom and her red-hot Brazilian love-stud, the aptly named Jesus. And ay dios mio, is he smoking! This well-marbled, Portuguese-speaking slice of man meat is not a day over 22 and has his name tattooed across his well-muscled back – much like how your mom used to write your name on your clothes before she sent you off to camp. Sure, this might indicate that our boy’s not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but with hipbones you could slice prosciutto with, who cares about brains?
The tabloids love to point out that at 50, Madonna’s old enough to not only be his mom, but – as the Post put it – his nana. (Though when was the last time you met a granny with arms that ripped?) In fact, it’s such a scandal that when you Google “Madonna” and “Jesus,” God doesn’t even make an appearance for the first five pages – maybe more, I just got tired of looking.
Meanwhile, back in Brazil, Jesus’s mom, who is definitely not named Madonna, is claiming that her boy has been kidnapped and is under his wily older woman’s complete control. Indeed, photos were snapped the other day of Jesus obediently toddling off to Kabbalah class on Valentine’s Day.
The two met on the set of a super sexy photo shoot for W magazine and honestly, if that man were giving me the eye, I’d grab it and go too. Sorry, mom!