Hiss and Tell?
How to keep your divorce from winding up like Madge and Guy’s
I don’t know about you, but reading about the Madonna/Guy divorce makes me really happy that I live in obscurity. He says she’s “like cuddling a piece of gristle.” She claims he’s “emotionally retarded.” Madonna’s being criticized for preferring Canadian blueberries while he’s being bashed as a money-grubbing wannabe. Their mugs are all over the newspapers and the stories are filled with quotes from “close friends” of either side. And they haven’t even discussed custody or cash yet!
So while it’s sad when any marriage ends, here are some tips to keep it from turning into a front-page fiasco:
1. Do not be famous. I know, I know – Vanity Fair keeps calling, but that Annie Liebowitz is only going to make you look like a tramp and telling all (even within the royalty-clogged pages of VF) is not the way to go.
2. Do not accumulate hundreds of millions of dollars. If I were to divorce my imaginary husband I would give him the decade-old TV and the Wii as long as he let me keep the Room & Board sofa. He would get the bad cat; I would keep the good one. Done! See? Easy, schmeasy. No complicated numbers to add up, no mansions to split. Being broke has its rewards.
3. If you’re going to cheat on your husband, do it with the plumber or, better yet, your accountant. Absolutely do not step out with a married dude and that goes quadruple if he’s a world-famous athlete.
4. Make sure that you’ve been keeping your adopted child’s dad up-to-date so he isn’t ambushed by journalists outside his thatched roof hut.
5. Taking the high road is the best way to come out a winner. He calls you gristle – you just smile and whistle.