Week in Review
David Beckham, Britney Spears, Shia LaBeouf, and More
The celebrity hit parade
David Beckham: Package of the Week
You know, my darlings, sometimes, whilst perusing the Internet and paging through magazines, Mean Betty can’t help but feel wee little pangs of remorse. After all, being mean about today’s celebrities is just … so … easy. Like shooting fish in a barrel, as Great-Grandma Mean Betty used to say.
Take, if you will, our beloved Beckhams. Such a mass of pure, unadulterated trash, yet here they are, at the center of our collective fascination, she with her ridiculously pushed up cartoon boobs and million-dollar Hermes bag collection; he with his soccer ball, his tattoos and, of course (impossible to ignore), his, er, physique.
Yes, another round of soft-porn Armani underwear ads have been unleashed on the adoring public.
Look, pets, Mean Betty will not deny there is a certain animal sexiness to David Beckham … but doesn’t that Neanderthal-like brow detract at all from the appeal? Does it not put you off even in the slightest that his lovely, always classy, wife referred to his manhood as a “tractor exhaust pipe”?
Jon Gosselin: Math Wizard of the Week
Speaking of inexplicable fame … Mean Betty hears Jon Gosselin has yet another 23-year-old girlfriend. Usually this wouldn’t interest Mean Betty in the slightest (one does hate to encourage these people, doesn’t one?), but Mean Betty can’t help but be amused that Jon’s latest alleged squeeze on the side is a different 23-year-old than the original 23-year-old squeeze on the side. This time he was spotted with Hailey Glassman, the daughter of the plastic surgeon who gave Kate her tummy tuck! People, Jerry Springer couldn’t make this stuff up.
Somebody ought to give this poor fellow some math lessons. 8 kids + one 34-year-old wife + 23 year-old-girlfriends (times two) = a whole lotta alimony.
Shia LeBeouf: Profound Thought of the Week
Mean Betty quite enjoyed the interview in PARADE magazine with Shia LaBeouf, in which he utters such wise, fascinating truths. (Truly he is wise beyond his years.) Like this one:
“The good actors are all screwed up. They’re all in pain. It’s a profession of bottom-feeders and heartbroken people.”
This may have been said with a straight face, but can you read it with a straight face?
Stella McCartney: Patron Saint of Spoiled Children of the Week
Great news, moms! You may not be able to afford any of Stella McCartney‘s high-priced, eco-friendlier-than-thou clothes, but soon your little poopsies will be able to! Isn’t that nice? The vegan designer – who deigned a while ago to collaborate with Swedish mastermind chain H&M – has put her finger in the winds of the current economic climate and joined forces with purveyors of mediocrity to the masses, The Gap, to create an “affordable” children’s line.
The only problem – the garments will self-destruct if your child consumes a Happy Meal while wearing them.
Britney Spears: Topless Wonder of the Week
The puppet-masters pulling Britney Spears‘ golden-goose strings must have decided things were getting a little dull of late – after all, Brit Brit hasn’t appeared bald or panty-less in simply ages! – so, mysteriously, some topless photos of the tartlet have “leaked” onto the Internet.
While some are crying out in horror – oh, what ghastly timing! Right as she’s doing so well! The boyfriend, the tour, the increased custody! Darn it all! – Mean Betty knows better. Nothing like a well-timed reminder of the unstable wild-child that lurks beneath Britney’s bubbly façade to keep the public interested. Everyone knows why we like watching tightrope walkers, right dears? It’s because they just might fall. Hold your breath!
Until next week, pets.
Yes, Mean Betty tweets. For now. twitter.com/MeanBetty