Week in Review
Mean Betty on Michael Jackson, Spencer Pratt the Genius, the Beckhams, and More
Highlights of the celebrity world
Oh my kittens, it is ever so hard to be mean on the eve of the 4th of July, isn’t it? Mean Betty ALMOST feels it’s not appropriate to even write a Mean Betty column … almost. But Mean Betty will try her very hardest. After all, pets, the show must go on, mustn’t it?
But first … before we begin … NEWSFLASH!! Quincy Jones dropped this bombshell to Details magazine: Michael Jackson “obviously didn’t want to be black.”
WHAT? You’re kidding? Really? No! Whatever gave you that impression?
Maybe Quincy can get a job on Dr. Phil’s show!
Spencer Pratt, Boy Genius!
Speaking of people who obviously need new jobs – somebody get Spencer Pratt a Department of Defense application, pronto! Who knew the charming young man had brains as well as beauty?! Spencey (you don’t mind if Mean Betty calls you that, do you, Spencey?) and his virtuous bride Heidi, always a paragon of class, appeared on Alex Jones’ radio show, Infowars, to enlighten us all about 9/11 (“an inside job”), global warming (fake!) and birth control (“something just created by the government that is really bad …”).
Apparent we also need to be VERY WORRIED about an impending plan to implant microchips into our bodies as a replacement for those pesky credit cards we all lug around. As Heidi sagely says, “This is very serious.” So true, Heidi, so true.
Heidi also went on to let us know that her “body belongs to Jesus Christ,” which Mean Betty finds most reassuring, because here Mean Betty thought it belonged to the nearest person with a telephoto lens.
More Naked Beckhams
Speaking of high-class couples – The Beckhams strike again! Perky Posh (minus her cartoon boob implants, more’s the pity) and her Neanderthal husband can be seen in a new slate of Armani underwear ads. Interestingly, they appear simultaneously fierce and incredibly bored.
“Hmmm… what color should my 10,001st Birkin bag be?”
“Can I see myself in that mirror?”
“How do my new boobs look?”
“Look, I can see my package in the mirror!”
Angie Beats Jen AGAIN?
Do the people at Forbes ever do anything except sit around and make lists? Mean Betty wants to know. Now, thanks to Forbes‘ latest list of top-paid actresses (which seems to be a sub-set of their last list of “most powerful” celebrities), we know that Angelina Jolie made $2 million dollars more last year than always-the-ex-bride, never-the-homewrecker Jennifer Aniston, making Angie the highest paid actress of 2008. She raked in $27 million to number two Jen’s $25 mill. Really, my darlings, can’t poor Jen catch a break? Perhaps if we all start drinking more SmartWater and downloading Friends on NetFlix we can push her into the top spot for 2009!
Well, pets, as you throw another hot dog on the old BBQ, raise your glass of beer in a toast to the land of the free, home of the brave. And remember, Americans may get sad, but they’re never down. We can find the silver lining in any storm cloud … why, if you happen to be lucky enough to have held on to your mom’s copy of Thriller, just think – you can hawk it on eBay for $10,00.00! Oh yes, Mean Betty loves this land of opportunity so.
Happy 4th my darlings!
Yes, Mean Betty tweets. For now. twitter.com/MeanBetty