ASK REAL GUYS
My Looks Have Changed, Does He Still Love Me?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I have been married to a nice guy, who is a jerk at times, for 19 years. He’s a very masculine man, which I just love. Anyway, my childhood experiences led me to believe that men don’t stick around during tough times. Not only was I taught that men disappear, but that if you don’t look your best at all times no one will ever love you. These lessons led to anorexia, and I developed a multitude of self-esteem issues. When my husband and I got married I looked like a Barbie Doll (not fake, just really thin and beautiful) and now, 19 years later, martial stress and the strain of raising two kids has caused me to develop a disorder that has made me gain 100 pounds with a two-year span.
He never stopped expressing his love for me; as a matter of fact the only time he has ever cried is when he talks about how much he loves me. I find it so difficult to believe that he still loves me that I almost want to laugh in his face. I don’t want him to see me naked, so our sex life has been on hold, and he lets me know how unhappy he is about that.
The thing is he has always made fun of fat girls. He was disgusted at the chance of having sex with a fat woman before he married me, and he always felt so proud to have a really beautiful woman for a wife, even though I never knew it (until now). I am still good looking, but really fat and unhealthy. I mean, I look like I’m wearing a fat suit. It disgusts me.
I am extremely confused. Could a man really love a woman forever, even if her looks change drastically over time? And do men and women love differently? I feel like I could live without him if it meant that he were happy, because I have had a lot of loss in my life and feel like it would be just one more struggle to overcome. I almost expect him to leave because of what I look like, but he claims he could never live without me and that I am his best friend.
Please help me. I have no other older guy friends who might relate to this.
Matt: One thing you have to get through your head is that men love more than just one’s appearance. Sure, he may want the looks of the girl he married, but love is much deeper than your dress size (and he’s probably not quite the young stud he was before either – it’s a fact of life). Being a man’s man is great – but underneath everything, he’s still human too. He has emotions (as you stated) – and he clearly feels strongly about you. He can love you if you look different than when you got married – everyone does!! I think it would do you both a great service if you were proactive about trying to lose weight – but more importantly, harden your attitude and re-establish yourself as a confident and secure woman. He’s with you for a reason – and clearly loves you. Don’t second-guess yourself, or him.