In the Bedroom
Sexual Fantasies: Are You “Normal”?
Don’t worry, you’re not alone
-Amber Madison, Betty’s Sexpert
Everyone has sexual fantasies. Yes, everyone. And as long as yours don’t involve small farm animals, it’s likely they’re completely normal. So what do your fantasies mean about you? What do they mean about your partner? What if you just don’t have any? The following are some common concerns about the sexier side of our thoughts.
“My husband wants me to tell him my fantasies, but I’m just so uncomfortable doing so, and really, I don’t think I really have many …”
The idea of a sexual fantasy may sound intimidating. But it doesn’t have to be some complex story line complete with characters and costumes. A sex fantasy can be something as simple as “having sex with the lights on,” “having sex on the kitchen table,” or “having sex while wearing a dress.” Any thought that turns you on counts as a sex fantasy. Maybe it’s even just something you’d like to request, like more foreplay or more oral sex. Your fantasy may not be as far out as “you’re the cabana boy, I’m the gardener, the estate owners have left for lunch, and I’m admiring your muscles as you poor chlorine into the pool”-and that’s okay. If you feel uncomfortable talking about your fantasies, start small with simple requests that are easier to talk about. After you’re comfortable with those, you can work up to the secretary/boss, student/principal, and any other scenario you can think up.
“My husband tells me his fantasies and sometimes they are so far off from what our “real life” is like, I worry that he’s bored with me.”
The thing about fantasies is that they are just that-fantasies. Since they aren’t reality, they aren’t necessarily the same things you would want in real life. Some women may have fantasies about really rough sex, but only because they are having that sex within the safety of a loving relationship knowing the whole time that if things got too rough it would stop. It’s the same thing as being able to enjoy a scary or sad movie because in the back of your mind you know it’s not real. Maybe some of your partner’s fantasies are really different from your real life, but I wouldn’t take that as an indication he wants his real life to start imitating his fantasies. Just like you don’t really want to start sleeping with guys who clean pools for a living.
“While having sex with my husband, who I love very much, I often think about other men. Is that something I need to worry about?”
Better to only be thinking about it than actually doing it. Assuming you’re happy with your relationship and aren’t really having urges to sleep with other men, this is a victimless crime. But it only remains that way if you keep these fantasies to yourself. As good as honesty is in many situations, ignorance is bliss here, and your husband simply doesn’t have to know. Do make sure that you are actually still content with your husband and aren’t holding grudges against him for something and dealing with it by fantasizing about other men. Occasionally getting off on the thought of sleeping with other people is one thing, but being repulsed by the idea of sleeping with your husband and needing to pretend he’s someone else is another.
“I think I’m heterosexual, but I often find myself fantasizing about other women. Is that normal?”
The majority of experts agree that no one is completely straight or completely gay. That means, it’s not uncommon for straight women to occasionally have sexual thoughts about other women. Getting excited thinking about a threesome that involves another girl, or having your guy watch you with another girl is not that uncommon of a fantasy among otherwise “straight” women. Constantly getting sexually excited over the thought of being with just another woman and noticing yourself becoming more attracted to women in your day to day life may be a sign that you owe your sexuality some exploring.
For many people good sex means experiencing different things. Being in a monogamous relationship means there is one constant-your partner. But that doesn’t mean the sex always has to go down the same way. Explore your fantasies so that you and your partner can continue to experience new things. And don’t get too concerned if some of the fantasies are a little out there-just because something may sound good in someone’s head, doesn’t mean it’s what they actually want in real life.
Have a question for Amber about sex? Ask her here