Sexual Fantasies

Worried about your sexual fantasies? Don't worry, you're not alone.

In the Bedroom

Sexual Fantasies: Are You “Normal”?

Don’t worry, you’re not alone

-Amber Madison, Betty’s Sexpert

a woman covering her faceEveryone has sexual fantasies. Yes, everyone. And as long as yours don’t involve small farm animals, it’s likely they’re completely normal. So what do your fantasies mean about you? What do they mean about your partner? What if you just don’t have any? The following are some common concerns about the sexier side of our thoughts.

“My husband wants me to tell him my fantasies, but I’m just so uncomfortable doing so, and really, I don’t think I really have many …”

The idea of a sexual fantasy may sound intimidating. But it doesn’t have to be some complex story line complete with characters and costumes. A sex fantasy can be something as simple as “having sex with the lights on,” “having sex on the kitchen table,” or “having sex while wearing a dress.” Any thought that turns you on counts as a sex fantasy. Maybe it’s even just something you’d like to request, like more foreplay or more oral sex. Your fantasy may not be as far out as “you’re the cabana boy, I’m the gardener, the estate owners have left for lunch, and I’m admiring your muscles as you poor chlorine into the pool”-and that’s okay. If you feel uncomfortable talking about your fantasies, start small with simple requests that are easier to talk about. After you’re comfortable with those, you can work up to the secretary/boss, student/principal, and any other scenario you can think up.

“My husband tells me his fantasies and sometimes they are so far off from what our “real life” is like, I worry that he’s bored with me.”

The thing about fantasies is that they are just that-fantasies. Since they aren’t reality, they aren’t necessarily the same things you would want in real life. Some women may have fantasies about really rough sex, but only because they are having that sex within the safety of a loving relationship knowing the whole time that if things got too rough it would stop. It’s the same thing as being able to enjoy a scary or sad movie because in the back of your mind you know it’s not real. Maybe some of your partner’s fantasies are really different from your real life, but I wouldn’t take that as an indication he wants his real life to start imitating his fantasies. Just like you don’t really want to start sleeping with guys who clean pools for a living.

“While having sex with my husband, who I love very much, I often think about other men. Is that something I need to worry about?”

Better to only be thinking about it than actually doing it. Assuming you’re happy with your relationship and aren’t really having urges to sleep with other men, this is a victimless crime. But it only remains that way if you keep these fantasies to yourself. As good as honesty is in many situations, ignorance is bliss here, and your husband simply doesn’t have to know. Do make sure that you are actually still content with your husband and aren’t holding grudges against him for something and dealing with it by fantasizing about other men. Occasionally getting off on the thought of sleeping with other people is one thing, but being repulsed by the idea of sleeping with your husband and needing to pretend he’s someone else is another.

“I think I’m heterosexual, but I often find myself fantasizing about other women. Is that normal?”

The majority of experts agree that no one is completely straight or completely gay. That means, it’s not uncommon for straight women to occasionally have sexual thoughts about other women. Getting excited thinking about a threesome that involves another girl, or having your guy watch you with another girl is not that uncommon of a fantasy among otherwise “straight” women. Constantly getting sexually excited over the thought of being with just another woman and noticing yourself becoming more attracted to women in your day to day life may be a sign that you owe your sexuality some exploring.

For many people good sex means experiencing different things. Being in a monogamous relationship means there is one constant-your partner. But that doesn’t mean the sex always has to go down the same way. Explore your fantasies so that you and your partner can continue to experience new things. And don’t get too concerned if some of the fantasies are a little out there-just because something may sound good in someone’s head, doesn’t mean it’s what they actually want in real life.

Have a question for Amber about sex? Ask her here

Read more about love and sex: Vibrators: Too Much of a Good Thing?, Your Sexless Marriage Stories and Sorry Guys, Size Does Matter

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7 thoughts on “Sexual Fantasies

  1. Most of this stuff is pretty tame advice, and much of it good for self-identified “normal” people, except for the second-to-last.

    Lying to your partner, or otherwise failing to communicate, is the basis for nearly all of a relationship’s problems. The inability to have a frank discussion because one or both of you have stupid hang-ups is not a sign that “ignorance is bliss,” it’s a sign that you need to openly and honestly look at yourself and your partner.

    Perhaps the risque-est piece of advice here is the last one, which encourages self-identifying straight women (and men, by implication) to explore their homosexual fantasies…though it doesn’t actually ask them to bring any of those fantasies to fruition, unless they think they’re going to go from 100% technically straight to 100% technically gay (that is, from sleeping with only the opposite sex to sleeping with only the same sex, all the while having fantasies about the other).

    For the record, I have sex with the lights on all the time. Every time. Perhaps if that qualifies as a fantasy, I’ve read the wrong column, because I normally associate with much more sexually liberated people than this so-called “sexpert” apparently caters to. In which case I’ll cut this reply short by pointing all those who are actually curious about real sexual fantasies to google “Midori – Wild Side Sex” or “The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage”. Or go hear her speak about sexual fantasies (and actually making them sexual realities, instead of keeping yourself repressed).


  2. I agree with Joan in the above comment. This is a bit tame for me personally and for anyone else interested in a little more in depth sexual exploration (both hetero and homosexual) check out “Jane Sexes It Up” it’s a rather fabulous compilation of essays.

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