How to Break Up With a Loser
Ten hilarious ways to leave your loser lover
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in a guy, that even though he’s dragging us down to the dregs of the happy cup, we can’t figure out how to dump his swill down the drain.
Paul Simon makes it sound so simple, blithely boasting about the “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover.” I, however, relate more to Neil Sedaka‘s whiney “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.”
It’s easy to slide into “what will become of me?” despair at the prospect of kicking even the slimiest loser to the curb. (Q: Isn’t a warm body better than nobody? A: If you’re asking yourself that question, you already know the answer. And you need to arrange a smackdown with your self esteem.)
I’ve decided the only way to face looming breakups is with determination and an incredibly twisted sense of humor. So here are the top ten ways to break up with a loser. Don’t think of them as vindictive revenge fantasies. Think of them as personal growth!
10. Replace his iTunes playlist with Justin Timberlake‘s “Cry Me A River.” Set to repeat.
9. Send him a congratulations card. Add the words: “To me. For finally breaking up with you.”
8. Order the book Kissing 101 and have it delivered to his office.
7. Leave him a voicemail from the Lost and Found. Explain that you found his dignity and he might want to come pick it up.
6. Change your Facebook status to “In a relationship … with anyone but [insert ex name here.]“
5. More Facebook fun: Search the web for pics of a really, really, ridiculously good looking guy and then take some creative license with Photoshop. Post your new “boyfriend” pics. Wait. Smile.
4. Return his love letters with a note: “If you get cold without me, burn these.”
3. Change your voicemail to: “Leave a message after the beep. Except for John – who can leave a message after he climbs out from the seventh circle of Hell.”
2. His best friend = Your new cuddle buddy? We’re just saying …
And finally, the number one way to break up with a loser, courtesy of Betty’s own Judy McGuire. I’ll let her tell you all the awesome details:
“The best dumping I ever did was the unemployed loser I dated for a YEAR who blew me off for dinner one night. A mutual friend called me from a bar and said, ‘Isn’t Kevin supposed to be having dinner with you?’ I said yes, but hadn’t seen him. She informed me that was because he was sitting in the same bar, getting loaded. Oh, with money I’d loaned him the day before to help pay for my birthday dinner!
I marched over there, took his drink-a full pint of red bull and vodka (classy!)-and dumped it over his head. I then demanded whatever money he had left and the set of keys he had to my apartment. Oh, and I also took his hat and stomped on it for good measure.
And yes, I realize the fact that I loaned him money to help pay for MY birthday dinner makes me the biggest loser ever, but still, it was very satisfying.”