The Shocking Bachelor Finale
You’ll never guess who gets the final rose
“He’s a pu**y!”
“There could be a huge backlash.”
“I respect the s*** out of her.”
These are the reactions heard ‘round my living room during the season finale of The Bachelor last night.
I had never watched the show in my entire life until four weeks ago. But now, head hung in shame, I’m utterly hooked. The Bachelor is anti-feminist, incessantly drivel-esque and, um, epic.
Hot tubs. Catty girls. Twists of fate. Hot single dad. It’s everything high school should have been.
I mentioned my embarrassing obsession at the gym and was swarmed by five other women urging me to embrace the magic that is The Bachelor. One mother confessed she rushes her kids to bed early on Monday nights and tells them they have to take themselves to the bathroom because she will not be interrupted during the show.
So last night, surrounded by various female and male friends, I tuned in and prepared myself for what would be – as two weeks of teasers have promised us – “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelor history.”
But before we get to “the final shock” of the season, which includes Jason, bachelor extraordinaire, heaving humiliating sobs over a balcony, a little recap for the uninitiated.
My The bachelor, Jason Mesnick, is a 32-year-old single dad. His three-year-old son, Ty, is oh-my-god-I-can’t-stand-it-and-I’m-not-even-that-into-kids adorable.
This is the first time The Bachelor has played the single dad card, and it’s worked like a charm. This season’s ratings are the highest in five years, much to ABC’s delight.
Not only is Jason a card-carrying baby daddy, but he was also painfully dumped by DeAnna Pappas in the finale of The Bachelorette. DeAnna became an instant villain and Jason became an instant fantasy to women everywhere with nothing better to do with their Monday nights than watch a handsome bachelor frolicking with well-endowed young “sales reps” in bikinis. Hell has no fury like the ratings power of a single dad scorned.
By Monday night, Jason had drained the skank-infested bachelorette pool from 25 to two.
The lucky (?) finalists are Melissa, a 25-year-old sales rep from Dallas and Molly, a 24-year-old department store buyer from Michigan.
(Last episode, Jason gave the axe to Jillian, a 29-year-old interior designer from Canada, definitely a fan favorite. After taking Jillian to New Zealand and sleeping with her, he ended things because he felt like she was his best friend and he wanted “more than that.” Classy. Of course, we don’t know if they actually consummated their union, but watch the steamy hot tub clip and judge for yourself. It seems the moment Jillian let Jason sleep with her, he immediately sent her packing. I guess it’s called reality television for a reason. Smirk!)
Anyhow, back to Melissa and Molly.
Melissa – the beautiful brunette – was my household’s unanimous favorite to take the ring. She’s grounded, sincere and great with little Ty. Her only real disadvantage? Her parents refused to meet Jason because they didn’t want to appear on-camera. Melissa frets this will hurt her chances with Jason since all the other bachelorette finalists happily ponied up their parents.
But as one of my guy friends pointed out: The girl whose parents don’t want to be on reality television? That’s the girl you marry.
Molly – sorority girl blonde – also has one disadvantage. In the last episode, Jason worried that Molly had a wall up and wasn’t slutty emotionally open enough for him. But then she literally gave him a written invitation to spend the night with her. Guess she took care of the “opening up” problem.
On the season finale, both Molly and Melissa spend more one-on-one time with Jason and finally meet Ty. Lambs are petted, kites are flown, kid jokes about sneezing are told. The bachelorettes meet Jason’s parents, who ask awkward questions like, “Do you really love our son?”
In fact, I’d like to digress on the “I love you’s” for a moment, because they’re passed around like cheap wine on this show. Everyone’s constantly professing how in love they are – with Jason, with three women at once, with little Ty, with Seattle. But they’ve all known each other for eight weeks, tops. Who, besides Britney Spears after a bottle of cough syrup, gets engaged that quickly?
And worse – the women say “I love you” to Jason and his only response is to smother them with his tongue. I find that fact insulting, particularly when he does it with multiple women in a single weekend. Then again, I’m willing to be insulted if it means I get to see “the most thrilling episode in Bachelor history.”
And it’s about to get more thrilling. Soon, evil DeAnna, the one who broke Jason’s heart so cruelly, arrives on the scene, wearing unflattering boxy beige clothes and begging for one more chance with her forsaken. But I’m pretty sure that was just something the producers made her say, because she doesn’t really look like she means it and Jason breezes past her offer and asks for advice on the two girls he’s with now.
DeAnna does her penance and says she regrets her dumping Jason. She then gives him advice not to follow his heart, but to lead his heart.
Yeah, lead it right onto a dead-end reality show romance.
Okay, enough with the red herrings, ABC – let’s get back to Melissa and Molly. On their last nights with Jason, both ladies throw their aces on the table.
Melissa convinces her parents to speak to Jason on the phone, proving her seriousness about a potential engagement.
Molly gives Jason a massage in her bikini. And then asks him to flip over so she can do his “front.”
I’m not saying who has a thicker cloud of desperation surrounding her. But come on – a massage in a bikini with a requested front flip??
At the rose ceremony, to my living room’s great relief, Jason sends Molly packing. Finally, a little justice in this Bachelor world. But Molly keeps insisting, in a very sorority-Stepford way, “You’ve made a big mistake. A big mistake.”
Something about the way she says it spooks everyone out.
But we relax upon seeing angelic Melissa float her way to the rose ceremony in her billowing lemony peach gown. And finally, oh finally, Jason dips down to his knee, presents a blinged out (product placement) ring and … proposes to a genuinely giddy Melissa. She says yes! Ty runs out! They all jump in the pool! Happily ever after!
Because immediately after the finale ends, host Chris appears with this grave announcement:
“What you’re about to witness is potentially so dramatic, so emotionally difficult, we decided, out of respect to the parties involved, to keep the taping as intimate as possible.”
(I’m planning to incorporate that phrase into my daily vernacular.)
What were we about to witness? Did Jason get back with his ex-wife? Did DeAnna kidnap Ty and chain him to a New Zealand lamb? Here’s how the After-the-Rose-Ceremony revelation went down:
Jason enters and breaks the news to host Chris that since the season finale taped, he’s spent a lot of time with Melissa and feels that the chemistry between them has changed for the worse. He’s decided to dump her and wants to get back with Molly, who he thinks he’s still in love with. (Even though he purportedly hasn’t seen her since the night he kicked her to the limo.)
Worse? Jason’s decided that instead of breaking his engagement with Melissa on private, he’s going to do it on national television. Right now.
As one of my friends put it, “Jason is like the stock market. He just keeps plummeting.”
Yes, the single dad we loved so dearly has instantly transformed himself into a total ass.
But lucky for us, Melissa takes the news with grace, dignity and justifiable anger. She calls him on his deplorable behavior, whispering “You’re such a bastard.”
Then she twists the knife: “Getting engaged was a once in a lifetime thing and you took it from me, you took it.”
Jason blubbers stupidly with lame apologies while host Chris smirks like a man with the emotional maturity of a sixth grader.
Melissa then hands Jason her ring back and walks off the stage with these calm, icy words: “Don’t call me, don’t text me. Leave me alone.”
Melissa – on behalf of America – yesssss! That is exactly the way to behave when a man does you wrong.
Not like weak, wimpy Molly, who happily gobbles up Jason’s crappy scraps. I was hoping that when he came crawling back to Molly she, too, would tell him never to call or text him, that she valued her own life over waiting around for him.
Instead, she just, um, professes that she’s been waiting around for him. She smiles dumbly and says things like, “My feelings never went away,” and “This is something I dreamt of but never expected to hear,” and, the lowest of low, “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t glad that this had happened.”
Well, Molly and Jason – you two deserve each other. Melissa – you deserve far better. Look forward to seeing you on your own season of The Bachelorette. Not that I’ll be watching or anything.