Top 10 Reasons to Have a Breast Reduction
Why I decided to have the other kind of boob job.
-Sonja Holbrook, www.ranker.com
Brace yourselves, we’re gonna talk about breasts! Most kids measure their growth rates by a yardstick. I used a metric scale. From the ages of 11 – 30, I went from a C to a DDD. Having put up with the jokes and stares my whole life, I’d developed an immunity to the “booby” cult. But when your body makes you hunch over like Father Time, you know it’s time to cut the cleavage that binds.
In celebration of my liberation, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why I do NOT miss my girls.
1. Back Pain
My single, number-one, chief reason for having my reduction. My surgeon had a good analogy for this. For all men who think big boobs are no big deal for a woman, try this: take two 5-6 lb. bowling balls and strap them to your chest using piano wire. Now stand up straight. Good. Now walk over to your partner, straddle them, and proceed to bounce up and down for a good 20 minutes, without stopping. How does that feel? Does it feel good? Exactly. Contrary to popular myth, the only big breasts that are not heavy are FAKE.
2. Skin Discoloration
Remember that diaper rash you had as a kid? Big-boob rash is like that. But instead of being red, it’s brown and ugly. It’s like a tea stain across your skin, where the boobs fold and where the bra sits. This can also be combined with sores that never heal, because there is zero air flow. And most of the time, the skin staining is permanent. Boy, now I really want to get naked.
I’m a huge fan of jogging, but really anything speedier than a crawl required three bras and a rather large t-shirt. Even then, I bounced faster than a bad check. Floor exercises consisted of craning my neck to see past my nipples. Going to the gym involved standing outside and waiting for a large group to go in so I could remain invisible. Once in, my sweatshirt stayed on until I passed out–which didn’t take long, because jogging with those bad girls was the equivalent of running with weights. If the guys want know the pain equivalent, strap a bowling ball to your happy sac and go running. No, really, go ahead. I’m gonna sit back and watch.
4. Shoulder Grooves
This really is self-explanatory, but for those who aren’t in the know, shoulder grooves are caused by constant pressure applied to the, you know, shoulders. The heavier the boobs, the more the bra straps dig in. The skinnier the strap, the more it hurts. The deeper the pressure, the deeper the cut. The deeper the cut, the worse the scar gets. The worse the scar….well, I think I’ve made myself clear.
5. Ugly Bras
Oh, yeah – one of my faves. A bra for a BBG (big boob girl) comes in three colors: white, black and beige. Should you be so fortunate to find a pretty bra in your size, it costs twice your monthly salary. And anyway, most bras don’t contain big boobs properly and you get the quad-boob effect. There are four where there should be two. I know men would consider this Christmas year round, but it’s probably the tackiest visual ever. Just once, it would be nice to buy more than one bra and not skip rent in the process. Better yet, to not buy a bra that comes in a box, or is featured in a catalog with muumuus.
6. Poor Posture
My surgeon told me that if I didn’t get ‘em chopped this year, by next year I’d be moving in with Quasimodo. Having ten pounds strapped to your chest will make anyone hunch over and drool. Just point me to the bell tower and send up food. It’s hard to stand up straight. You can’t put your arms down. You can’t relax your shoulders. Enough of this and you look like a bouncer, because all your energy is concentrated on lifting as much as possible, and because you’re so uncomfortable, you always look angry.