Bartering Your Body for Inauguration Tickets?
Craigslist casual encounters has some stimulating offers
Do you have a dream of going to the inaugural events in Washington? No tickets or place to rest your weary head? Don’t give up the audacity of hope! In this great nation, anything is possible. As long as you’re down with some close encounters of the casual kind.
The D.C. Craigslist “casual encounters” postings are abuzz this week with generous offers of tickets and hotel rooms for the rock-bottom price of your personal dignity.
Gawker has gathered the best of the worst of these patriotic posts, making it easy to hustle your way into history.
There’s the friendly middle-aged man in Pentagon City offering his home to a couple – as long as they’re willing to enjoy an erotic massage in front of his fireplace. He helpfully notes that while he’s bi-sexual, “that does not mean anything has to happen. But it doesn’t mean that it can’t.” And since you’d never want to buy a pig-in-a-poke (apologies, pun police), he includes an X-rated photo of himself and his wife, who happens to be in Europe, but is “OK with this.”
For tickets to inaugural events, you could try the “witty…engrossing Jewish Man“ who wears Armani and is looking for a “regal … co-pilot” to attend events by his side. Or the recently jilted guy with tickets to the Italian embassy ball just be sure you’re white, Hispanic or Asian and “easy on the eyes.”)
And then there’s the Minnesotan high roller who graciously high fives congresswoman (Amy Klobuchar) for his inauguration tickets before proffering his hotel jacuzzi to a “kinky… girl (or two or three).”
Many posters present similar veiled offers of free housing and promises to “see where things lead to.” Like this guy, who wants to make you feel “warm and fuzzy” and brags, “I have my place all to myslef Sunday, Monday and Tues.” Wow – he has his own place all to himself for three days out of the week – he’s a keeper, ladies.
Other posters are riding the straight talk express.
One depressed McCain supporter longs for a girl with Obama fever for a night of revenge sex. Or, as he so romantically puts it, “All the intensity of post-fight sex without having to go through any of that messy relationship nonsense?!” Stay classy, dude.
Then there’s the entourage poster who boasts, “My friend is performing for the inauguration, I am her chaperone.” As one commenter remarked, is Billy Ray Cyrus writing into Craigslist again?
Best is this tongue-pierced, tattooed “white :)” guy who’s into large nipples and has “an itching for a black girl.” But beware – “**IF YOU HAVE A ‘GMAIL ACCOUNT’ – DO NOT ANSWER!!**”
See, I knew there was a reason I was hanging on to my antique AOL account.
Wishing you all a very stimulating inauguration!