Why I Lie to My Bikini Waxer

Nicole Christie explains why she feels the need to lie to her bikini waxer.
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Great, I thought. As if it wasn’t bad enough explaining to my family, friends, and everyone else in the entire world that I was single, I now had the woman most familiar with my intimate parts questioning her purpose in my life.

A few days later, I noticed that my usually flawless wax job was red, irritated, and sprouting ingrown hairs. I wondered, Could there be a connection? Could it be that Natasha was a “waxist,” a crotch curator who only approached her job with exquisite care if there was someone attending the exhibit?

I decided to test my theory. On my next visit, I remained true to my singlehood – ass held high, declaring my right to a smooth chotch, man or no man. Two days later, it was like a raspberry farm had sprouted between my legs.

Waxism be damned!

At my next appointment, when Natasha asked about my monster, I said he was doing well and why yes, we had a summer vacation planned – to Bermuda, in fact, and of course he was paying. Over time, my responses to her inquiries on what he did for a living varied depending on who I was dating – or wanted to be dating. He was a comedian, a graphic designer, a lawyer. We chatted about where he’d taken me for Valentine’s Day, what he bought me for Christmas, and how he was about to come back from a weeklong business trip in Palm Springs (I was jonesing for a really good wax that day).

Read Waxing Lyrical — A Male’s View of Hair Down There

These days, as she navigates into my most intimate cracks and crevices, she speaks with pride rather than pity: “Oh, he is going to LOVE me, he is going to LOVE ME.”

But then I’m reminded that no one is heading below my equator any time soon and think, “He WHO? Mr. Silicone-and-Batteries in my nightstand drawer? Oh yes, HE is going to LOVE you indeed. Too bad he has a dial instead of a mouth.”

But then I remember that HE is 100 percent focused on my pleasure and also asks nothing in return, which allows me to be 100 percent focused on myself in virtually every part of my life. Not many women can say that about their relationships.

So my monster? He’s doing just fine.

Photo Credit 1: Polka Dot Images


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0 thoughts on “Why I Lie to My Bikini Waxer

  1. lilshopper44 says:

    haha love this!

  2. ChicSinger8 says:

    LOL, hilarious.

  3. rosie818 says:

    I’ve lied before, I always feel it”s necessary to explain myself when I go in there.

  4. bellavita says:

    “waxism”=hilarious. i definitely lie to my waxer, too!

  5. LookitsCynthia says:

    one time my waxer asked me about my boyfriend and i replied that we just broke up and she totally gave me this look like “then what the hell are we doing here?!” so yes, i would def. lie too!

  6. Fern says:

    hahaha!! — SO funny Nicole!

  7. jasyjen says:

    This is just too cute! I’ve never had the nerve to wax, but now I know that a few white lies may help me out a little. :-)

  8. needcoffee says:

    i just got a bikini wax for the seoncd time in my life. the first i got about five years ago and sWORE i’d never do it again because it hurt so much. i tried it again last week and don’t think i’m going to be able to do it for another five years.it hurts!!!!! does it get any better?

  9. blondeambition says:

    waxing totally gets better needcoffee! it’s the first time that hurts the most, if you went routinely it wouldn’t hurt so bad the 2nd time and would get easier each time.

  10. Strong and Quirky says:

    I’ve never had a bikini wax. sadly, now I don’t think I ever will thanks to Steve Carell’s painful wax experience in The 40 Year Old Virgin haha

  11. PattyMosso says:

    I have never went for a Wax down there, I wanted too. But the pain well im a baby cant handle that so I wont do it. I just shave shave shave, And even though I hate it, I have no choice so I do it. And I have a man, He is always asking when will I go get waxed. After 13 years you would think he would know by now it is never going to happen.
    Patty M

  12. uptowngirl says:

    Nicole, you aren’t the only one who uses Natasha…and I second everything you said!

  13. weetziebat says:

    This it totally hysterical – got my day off to a good start

  14. shamrockblonde says:

    *runs off to find the mysterious Natasha*

    as a wax virgin, I figure I should probably get the best for my first time…..

  15. ignatius718 says:

    As a woman of a certain age, I can’t do it. Legs and “pits, sure, but men of a certain age say they don’t like it, a little too much like being with a child.

  16. Addie says:

    Okay….so if no monster, why do the waxing in the first place? Really, who is seeing it??

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