Why Don't They Want a Second Date?

A woman seeks advice about why her and her girlfriend's three-way partners never come back for seconds.


No Second Date?

Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I am a bisexual woman who has been married for 15 years to another bisexual woman. About a year ago we started meeting men for three-ways. We’ve done this eight or nine times now. We screen our contacts pretty carefully but they are still relative strangers.

We are cheerful, mellow, friendly women who are sexually experienced, fun and open to almost anything. We’re reasonably feminine and fairly good-looking as well. We enjoy helping these guys realize their fantasies. They seem to be really into us, and they seem to have a good time. Many times they say things like “this is like a porn movie” or “this is like a dream come true” or “I can’t believe this is happening.” They express a lot of appreciation.

So what I don’t understand is why they never want to get together again.

Many times when they leave they are talking excitedly about another date. But any attempt to follow up (after a decent amount of time – we have waited anywhere from a month to three months to contact them again) is either turned down, or the guy makes a date and then doesn’t show. The weirdest case is a guy who texts us every 4-6 weeks to say he misses us and that he wants to make another date, but he never shows. (We have responded to his texts with different tones, everything from enthusiasm to indifference).

First of all, why do they just stand us up? Why don’t they say “no thanks” or at least come up with some kind of lame excuse? (“I started dating someone” is a perfectly good excuse). Instead we clean the house and shower and shave and get dressed up and … nothing.

Second of all, why do they act like they like us and then not come back? Are they lying when they express appreciation? Should we assume we’re doing something wrong? Or is this just something hard-wired that we should expect from all future dates?

It’s irritating because it takes so much time and effort to screen a potential partner. It would be nice to get more than one date from each one. And we still would like to find someone available for regular ‘booty calls’…

Thanks in advance for your answer!

Avery: I’m as perplexed as you are. Maybe your performance is not as good with the guys as you think it is. If you’ve both just been involved with each other, you’re abilities to please a man may need a little polishing. It’s also very surprising that if you’re really fulfilling the fantasies of some of these men that they aren’t coming back.

I would suggest that you hold back some of the “action” when you are first together with these screened male dates. Maybe you’ll be able to weed out some of the “bad” guys and only the good ones will come back for the second date. That way you may be able to establish some more rapport with them which will make the dates more interesting for everyone.

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