An Open Love Letter to Zach Galifianakis

You loved this article so we brought it back just in time for 'Due Date,' coming out November 5th!
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An Open Love Letter to Zach Galifianakis

You loved this article so we brought it back just in time for ‘Due Date,’ coming out November 5th!

-Faye Brennan

Zach Galifianakis

Oh, Zach Galifianakis – with that scruffy beard of yours and that beer belly that surely suffocates the top button of your jeans, you’re not exactly the picture of a clean-cut guy. Normally, I would never go for a guy like you who is so seemingly rough around the edges. But, when I saw you swapping spit with that hairy dog in the very beginning of The Hangover, it was as if you cast a spell on me. And now, with your latest hilarious role in Dinner For Schmucks, I must admit, I’m in love.

Sure, I had no idea who you were before The Hangover came out. The most memorable moment of yours before that epic trip to Sin City was when you got your naughty bits stuck in a hot tub in Out Cold. I laughed viciously as you screamed in agony, thinking, “That poor dope.” I never expected to see you again.

Read Schmucks We’d Like to You-Know-What

And then you popped up alongside Ashton Kutcher in What Happens in Vegas. Of course, it wasn’t even a contest with you standing next to Mr. Demi Moore, but I thought your adolescent boy crush on Cameron Diaz was pretty cute – a little bit creepy, but cute.

It was when you lit up the screen as Alan Garner in The Hangover that you really shined and your glisten caught my eye. What it was about you I’m not exactly sure: it could’ve been that hilariously dorky chuckle you had or the fact that you considered yourself a “one-man wolf pack.” Or maybe, it was because you rocked a “satchel,” otherwise known as a man purse, or admitted you once found a baby in a Coffee Bean. All I know is that when you descended that escalator Rain Man-style, I wish I was on that casino floor to run up to you and profess my undying love. You reminded me of an old teddy bear; all tattered, torn and comfy that I just wanted to snuggle with every night as I blissfully fell off to sleep (only after you accidentally slipped me Rohypnol, of course).

In Dinner For Schmucks, you took it to the next level, and I loved every hilarious second of it. When you’re sitting at that long table full of rich men and their crazy delusional guests, I wish I could be the one sitting next to you. I’d let you use your mind control powers on me, and I’d definitely pay the $14.99 plus shipping and handling for your book, Your Mind Is My Puppet, even if you did just hand me a copy in person.

And now, you’re invading my local movie theater once more with Robert Downey Jr.? How can I be so lucky? Due Date looks extra hilarious – a road-trip-gone-awry at its finest. Imagine if we took a road trip together? It would just be me, you, your conehead dog, and your father’s ashes in a coffee can, traveling the open road together. Sounds magical.

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0 thoughts on “An Open Love Letter to Zach Galifianakis

  1. Its a very strange appeal i know several women who are absolutely in love with Zach. Its his cute huggableness. Pure unpertentiousness. You know “He” “Let the dogs Out, WOOF, WOOF”.

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