Ask The Mouthy Housewives: Help! I’m Crushing on My BFF’s Husband!
How do you exterminate a crush before it becomes a problem?
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely, models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m very attracted to a friend’s husband. I’m happily married, and would never, ever act on it, of course. But how do I get rid of this crush? It’s making me feel silly and uncomfortable.
Dear Krush Killer,
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and picture Mr. Crush in your head. Think about his warm, brown eyes, his strong hands, his sexy laugh, the way he trims his hedges with the style and grace of a young, hot Sean Connery. Ahhh… delicious, isn’t he? It’s really no wonder why you’ve fallen so hard for your friend’s perfect husband.
Now I want you to close your eyes again. This time, picture Mr. Crush sprawled out on your couch wearing nothing but dingy underwear and black socks. Keep looking as he loudly scratches his belly, burps like a rabid gorilla, then wanders over to the kitchen where instead of putting his cereal bowl in the dishwasher, he carelessly plops it in the sink knowing that the little lady’ll take care of it for him like she always does.
White-hot crush staring to fade a bit?
The truth is, we all sometimes find someone besides our mate attractive. Chalk it up to chemistry, or animal lust, or too much wine mixed with black market diet pills. Crushes are normal, and usually illogical. And since you claim you’re “happily married,” I’m assuming there doesn’t seem to be any deep-seated displeasure with your husband or any danger of you acting upon these feelings.
Therefore, might I suggest you simply repeat the second part of the visualization exercise I mentioned above a few times a day. Maybe add in a few images of Mr. Crush throwing his dirty socks on the ground, picking lint out of his misshapen belly button, and doing the white-man’s underbite to “Louie Louie” at your class reunion, too. Ewww! You’ll think. He’s disgusting! He’s repulsive! He’s making me nauseated! He’s nowhere near as cute as—my husband.
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.