Ask the Mouthy Housewives: Help Me Turn My Husband OFF!
Sex is fun, but what do you do in the face of an insatiable husband?
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is at me ALL THE TIME to get it on. I cannot walk from the shower to my room wrapped in a towel anymore for fear of being jumped. He is totally out of control. By day he is a boring suit, but even when I suggest I have the chafe or a boil on my butt, nothing stops him from pestering the crap out of me. I think I am going to get a night job. Surely my sisters in the USA have a bit of advice for a sufferer from down under?
P.S. He is out this evening; it is my version of a stay of execution.
P.P.S. I am not 22 and perky. I am 36 and saggy.
Dear Mrs. Woog,
I’m sorry to hear your husband frequently overdoses on Viagra. It must be a difficult way to live. Surely they have support groups for that? I mean, they have a hair club for bald men. There must be one for men with frequent and long-lasting boners.
Now, while you search for a local chapter of Flaccid Friends, I have a few practical yet world-shattering suggestions for turning off your husband. For beginners, stop walking from the shower to your room in just a towel. Are you insane? Any married woman who does that is just asking for trouble. Walk from the shower to your room dressed as your mother-in-law instead. Best sex repellent ever.
Also, stop lying to your husband. He knows you don’t have “the chafe” (What is that? We don’t have it in America) or a boil on your butt. I suggest you contract ringworm on your butt. He may not believe you even then (after all of the lying), but he’ll damn sure believe you from then on!
Or you could simply call out another man’s name during sex. I say man’s name, because if you called out a woman’s name, that would have the opposite affect and turn him on even more.
Take these suggestions and you’re guaranteed to spend many sexless nights in the future – just like most normal women in their mid-thirties!
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.