Ask the Mouthy Housewives: HELP! My Boyfriend Is Late for EVERYTHING
It’s times like this that you could really use a time machine.
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I truly love my boyfriend. He’s the sweetest guy ever. We’ve been together for two years but here’s my problem. He’s late for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. 45 minutes late for Broadway plays, movies, my birthday dinner! This is the only thing we fight about. I really want to settle down with this guy but I don’t want to spend my life being late for everything. Any ideas, Mouthy Housewives?
Well, the good news is that as your relationship progresses, you will absolutely find new and different things to fight about. (Have you met his parents?) So if you are worried about spending a lifetime fighting over only one thing, let me assuage your fears! There’s a whole plethora of discord to look forward to! Yippee!
If, however, you want advice on how to adjust his internal clock, you’ve got the right Mouthy Housewife. Because I think that “fashionably late” is just “rude” with a great PR team behind it. So, to remedy your boyfriend’s tardiness, I suggest minor tinkering with his DNA, plus an alarm clock embedded in his frontal lobe. Sure, it’s expensive, but it will save you years of aggravation!
Seriously, this is what will not work: nagging, notes, withholding sex, not withholding sex, setting the clock ahead to “trick him,” lecturing him, silent treatment or public shaming. One night my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I had to be at a party at 8, and it was 8 and he was still getting ready. I was so happy because I was certain that he must have a time machine that would let us leave his place after 8 and yet arrive at our destination, across town, at 8. We were going to be rich! Alas.
He is late because he wants to be late. And he may enjoy the attention that he gets when he is late. Whatever the reason, you will never change him. And only you know if you can live like that.
It could be worse, you know. He could be one of those annoying punctual people.
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.