Ask The Mouthy Housewives: I Want an Outhouse for My Husband!
What is he doing in there, and why must it take SO LONG?
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely, models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What do you do about a man who spends too long in the bathroom?
Dear Locked Out,
Obviously, move to a house with two bathrooms. But if the whole put your house on the market, find a buyer, then start house hunting, find a new home, get approved for a mortgage, wait two months to close, box up all your stuff, move, unpack and then finally use your second bathroom isn’t for you, we might have to come up with some alternatives.
Make sure that there are no porno magazines in there because that can definitely slow down a guy. I once lost two hours in a bathroom because of a particularly compelling issue of US magazine.
Find out his grooming habits and make helpful suggestions of where he can cut corners. For example, flossing is completely unnecessary until about five days before you visit the dentist. Facial masks are for sissies. Shaving can be done on the way to work. He can wax his chest during the afternoons instead of those busy morning bathroom hours. I think he’ll really appreciate all these ideas.
Of course, maybe the guy is having stomach issues. If that’s the case, book him an appointment with a gastroenterologist and set your alarm clock so you can at least pee before he settles in there.
Sharing a bathroom isn’t easy. It takes a lot of compromise. I think we’ve all peed in the sink at some point in our lives because of a roommate who was a little bit too selfish with the powder room. As for you and your husband, you may want to come up with a bathroom schedule in the morning so you two aren’t competing in the 200 meter dash each day to see who can get in there first. And maybe throw an egg timer on the counter so he keeps up the pace.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, The Mouthy Housewives
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.