Ask the Mouthy Housewives: I’ll Have Kids When I Darn Well Please
If or when you plan to have babies is no one’s business but your own. Here’s how to deal with nosy Nellies.
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My family and friends have, for some reason, decided that my reproduction plans are very much their business, and they constantly pester my husband and me about WHEN we’re FINALLY going to have babies!? (We have only been married 3 years).
The thing is 1) We’re not ready yet and have a pretty awesome marriage without kids for now, 2) I’m still young enough that everything will be quite intact in the baby-making department for several more years and 3) Even if we were trying, I wouldn’t be telling anybody about it.
To make matters even worse, every time I’m nauseated, tired, or dizzy, they jump all over me with a “Maybe you’re PREGNANT!” which I am not.
Anyway, since I assume that “We’re just waiting because we’re concerned we’ll get one as ugly as yours” is an inappropriate response to this question, how should I respond to the “loving” people in my life when they won’t leave me alone about procreating?
I’m Not Pregnant Today. Just Bloated.
Dear I’m Not Pregnant Today. Just Bloated,
Oh, just go ahead and get pregnant. Why are you being so selfish? It’s the least you can do for your loved ones. Of course, they won’t be satisfied with just ONE. So you’ll need to have a few more.
Then you can spend 12 hours a day wiping noses, doing laundry, filling the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher, realizing you never turned on the dishwasher in the first place so you’ll have to load it back up again, picking food off the floor, listening to whining, whining yourself, yelling, breaking up sibling fights, changing diapers, removing stickers from the dining room table, preparing meals and generally hiding from children.
Sure, you’ll be exhausted. And you probably won’t be able to remember that last time you and your husband had an evening out. But at least your great Aunt Liza will be happy.
OR tell everyone to suck it. Politely.
And give them a fabricated time line. Explain to your family and friends that you have decided to wait at least two more years before even trying to get pregnant. That should give you a sufficient amount of breathing room.
And when you’re nauseated, tell them it’s from eating too many rocky mountain oysters (bull testicles).
And when you’re tired, it’s from watching too many late night pornos and attending swinger parties.
And when you’re dizzy, it’s from sniffing a dozen bottles of Elmer’s Rubber Cement.
They’ll be way too concerned about your wellbeing to even think about procreation.
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.