Ask The Mouthy Housewives: I’m In a Battery-Operated Love Triangle!
What’s a wife to do when she prefers her vibrator to her hubby?
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely, models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
After nine years of marriage, my husband and I have recently decided to loosen up in the bedroom and experiment a little. Good for us, right? Well, one of the purchases we made was a certain… e ….”toy”… that I’ve lovingly named B.O.B. Perhaps you’re familiar with the acronym?
Anyhow, Bob has been great. Fantastic, even! And for a while, he was a wonderful third to our horizontal polka. But somewhere along the line, Bob has become my only partner. And why not? Not only is he readily available and incredibly skilled, but he only has my pleasure in mind! He keeps me company during my long and tedious days at home…he understands me!The problem is, my hubby is starting to get understandably jealous. Sure, he still joins on occasion but things just aren’t like they were before Bob came along. Not even close, really. We’ve tried leaving Bob in another room for the evening, but I can’t stop myself from thinking about him the entire time! It’s to the point where not much can happen for me without Bob around and this has put a serious dent in what used to be a pretty decent love life.
So my question is this: How do I ditch Bob?
I’m not sure I have the will-power to just throw him out and the odds of him leaving on his own are slim. I’ve tried asking my husband to hide him from me during the day, but I ended up calling him by noon to beg for the location. There’s always the chance that Bob will get sick and die eventually, but he seems so healthy! What can I do?
Bad Vibrations in Phoenix
Dear Bad Vibrations,
Yes, I absolutely understand your love for BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend). It’s a vibrator, people. I mean, BOB doesn’t leave laundry on the floor or forget to pick up the dry cleaning or put off mowing the lawn like a typical husband might do. BOB just exists to serve your every sexual need. Hell, BOB is probably a great listener too.
When I read your question, I knew I had to turn the experts. So I contacted the good folks at Eden Fantasys. You know, home of the Hello Kitty Pocket Rocket. Who says vibrators can’t be cute? Apparently when it comes to sex toys in the bedroom, each couple needs to find the right balance. So basically, I think that means you need to Feng Shui your sex life.
Your BOB can bring additional pleasure and excitement to your love life, but it should not replace your partner. It may be time to give BOB a break for a bit and focus on communicating and reconnecting with your husband. Not just in the bedroom but in other areas of your life too. Because honestly, can BOB really cuddle with you on the couch while you watch “The Real Housewives of New Jersey?” Or join you for a romantic dinner out? I once saw a woman dining with her vibrator and I’m telling you, the conversation was very one sided.
My vibrator source at Eden Fantasys suggests that once you and your husband are reconnected, bring BOB in for foreplay or when one one of you is craving more and the other is spent. But perhaps save the main event for just you and your husband. BOB will totally understand. He’s not the jealous type.
Wishing you many positive vibrations.
Kelcey, The Mouthy Housewives
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to email@example.com. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.