Ask the Mouthy Housewives: Keep Your Menstrual News To Yourself, Please
Some things just don’t need to be shared…
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my friends says, “I’m on my period” and it drives me crazy. Should I just let it go? She’s years away from menopause.
Before I answer this question, I have to let you know something really personal. (Ahem.) I’m on my period!
Anyway, since you didn’t really elaborate in your email, I’m not sure if your problem is simply the fact that your friend is telling you she has her period or if what you don’t like is the way she’s phrasing it. Let’s discuss the former first.
Many, if not most, women think it’s perfectly normal to let your female friends know when you have your period. In fact, I often do this myself. For example, last week my friend April asked me why I didn’t go to yoga and I answered, “Because I had horrible cramps all day” and she immediately knew what that meant. (Full disclosure: I didn’t really have cramps, but it was better than admitting I didn’t go to yoga because there was a Hillbilly Handfishin’ marathon on.) (Plus, I was whacked out on Midol.)
The week before that, my friend Dena asked me why I started crying after I watched a KFC commercial and I said, “Because I have PMS” and she immediately knew what that meant. So perhaps your friend is just letting you know she has her period to explain her mood or her health. She probably feels that you’ll commiserate with her. But if you don’t want her telling you anymore, maybe a simple, “I love you, but please stop telling me you’re on your period because I really don’t want to know” will suffice.
Now, if your actual problem is that you just don’t like the saying, “I’m on my period,” I have a few options you can give your friend. Such as:
• I’m surfing the crimson wave!
• I just got The Curse!
• My Aunt Flo is in town!
• Girlfriend’s riding the cotton pony, y’all!
• J’ai mes règles!
• Guess who’s wearing a tampon?!
• I’m shedding the lining of my uterus right now! Up high!
• Does this maxipad make me look fat?
Or any other suggestions by our readers, who I’m sure have some fabulous ones.
At any rate, just be honest with your friend. She probably has no idea that this bothers you, and since it’s pretty minor, she shouldn’t have any problem keeping her monthly news to herself.
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.