Ask The Mouthy Housewives: Laid Off and Not Getting Laid
When does a lack of sex become a real problem?
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely, models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband has been out of work for six months. It sucks. My youngest kid just started kindergarten. After we get them off to school, we both wander back to bed — no kids, no job. Is it normal that no sex happens?
Sleeping in Bed
Dear Sleeping in Bed,
Oh you poor girl. I hate that you’ve been worrying for one millisecond over this. Thank goodness you’ve sought the counsel of us Mouthy Housewives. Of course, it’s completely normal. What would be totally abnormal and darn right crazy is if you bounced back into bed every morning and actually had sex.
Honestly, I’ve never understood the allure of morning sex. Bad breath, pillow face wrinkles and bright daylight are not aphrodisiacs in my book. I prefer my sex in the dark, after a few cocktails and with a hot stranger with abs like a washboard. I mean, with my husband. So stop fretting over the lack of a.m. action and enjoy some much deserved rest.
However, it is important that you keep your sex life alive. You both may not be in the mood during this financially stressful time but sometimes you just have to put “Melrose Place” on pause and make it happen. Trust me when I say, a little hanky panky can actually make you momentarily forget that you’re on a spending freeze. The wine will help you forget the rest of the time.
Now if your husband still wants to get busy on the occasional morning and you’re not interested, no need to get worried. Just point him in the direction of his computer and tell him to get busy on that resume.
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.