Ask The Mouthy Housewives: Leave My Friends Out of Your Fantasies!
This is wrong on so many levels…
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely, models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have the classic ‘caught my bf w/porn’ situation, but with a twist. I am not that comfortable with any kind of porn, but he has accidentally left it on his computer screen (downloads of ALL kinds) and I have somewhat given up caring even though it still stings just a little bit. But what really killed me was when I found a picture (downloaded from Facebook) of one of my best friends opened on the computer screen. Trying to keep an open mind, I thought of different situations that might require him to have said pic (other than jerking off), but when I looked at where the pic was coming from it was in a folder with all his other porn with EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I know in it. I was disgusted!!
It left some awful mental images that still hurt and still make it hard to look at my friends in the eye. I tearfully confronted him about it, and he said he was sorry and deleted it ALL (even the “regular” porn). I am trying to accept that porn is ‘normal,’ but I thought he knew that I was NOT comfortable with the friend thing AT ALL. Then today I just found a folder filled with pictures of another friend of ours—pics of her, her with husband (his bff), her with her child- – stored in his porn collection.
I am hurt, again. I love him, and he is caring and wonderful, but this TOTALLY pisses me off. Because it’s someone I know. Is this normal? Am I right to be upset? I understand guys love to masturbate, but that is not the issue that I am concerned about. It’s more that he likes to do it to my pictures of my/our friends. THAT is what totally bothers me – am I crazy? Advice PLEASE!!!
Good lord, my picture wasn’t there, was it? Because I have a face that has launched a thousand…anyway. I firmly believe that people should masturbate to whatever thoughts/images they want, as long as I don’t have to know about it. But you already do know about it, and it’s going to be hard to unring that bell.
Yes, I’ve heard that guys love to masturbate, and I’ve even read a rumor that women enjoy it too. But that doesn’t mean that you need to be okay with your boyfriend’s masturbating to family portraits of your friends and loved ones. Because that crosses all sorts of lines of common decency and normal behavior and totally gags me.
There are two (ish) problems that I see here.
1. You don’t like the idea of porn, whereas your boyfriend seems to have overcome his discomfort with it.
2. You are superduper uncomfortable with the idea of his having sexual thoughts about every person you have ever met.
The “ish” part comes in because you were snooping in his computer. Which is a huge sign of mistrust. And you were rewarded for your detective work with a confirmation that he’s back to his habits.
You describe your boyfriend as caring and wonderful and he very well may be, but it doesn’t make him a good match for you. Because his behavior is upsetting and hurtful to you, and in my cyber-professional opinion, it’s unlikely to change. If you want to salvage the relationship, I recommend scheduling a few sessions with a couples therapist to air the issues between you. If this is behavior that he can change, he will need to make the decision to do so. Otherwise, you should save yourself a lifetime of hiding holiday photo cards and move on.
-Marinka, The Mouthy Housewives
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.