Ask The Mouthy Housewives: My BFF’s Bikini Line Is a Beach Disaster!
Oh noes! What to do when your BFF needs a trim … or a bathing suit skirt.
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely, models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers. Welcome to their inaugural post!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Every summer, my best friend and I spend a lot of time at the beach with all of our kids. It’s so much fun but here is the problem. She has a bikini line issue. She often has pubic hairs sticking out of her bathing suit. Agh!!! I am so embarrassed for her. What can I do? Please don’t tell me to talk to her about it. I just can’t. I’ll die.
Dear Horrified Henrietta,
I’ve always thought that beaches miss a real money making opportunity by not putting a beauty bar beside the snack bar. That way we could pick up some fries, a couple ice pops and get a quick eyebrow, upper lip or bikini wax. Because it’s only in the harsh blazing sun that we suddenly start to realize we have enough facial hair to pass for Joaquin Phoenix during his dark period.
I truly understand your emotional agony. I can still vividly recall going to the beach when I was in high school and one of my closest friends had a plethora of pubic hair peeking out from her tankini. I was so traumatized that to this day I have trouble going to a Publix grocery store when I visit family in Florida because the name gives me disturbing flashbacks. Seriously, who wants to buy lettuce at a place whose name sounds like pubic?
You can’t let this go on any longer with your friend. So start a very casual conversation without focusing on her. Say something like…
“I don’t know about you but every summer I can’t figure out any ideal hair removal system for my bikini line. Frankly, bikini waxes are just too painful. It takes me three glass of Chardonnay just to get through it and if I’m going to endure that kind of pain, I’d rather have a facelift or some new boobs. What do you do to keep things neat and trim downtown?”
Now, of course, the answer is NOTHING but perhaps at the very least, she’ll glance down, notice a pubic garden is in full bloom down there and take action. If this doesn’t work, go bathing suit shopping for suits together and insist that the one with a little skirt that obscures her bikini line makes her look like Minka Kelly. Or Blake Lively if she’s a blonde. Problem solved.
Kelcey, The Mouthy Housewives
Tell us! Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do?
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.