Ask Your Friend… Ask Your Shrink: Trying a Foreign Sexual Position
My boyfriend wants to try a sexual position I have never done before…what do I do?!
-Libby Keatinge and Dr. Morris Halperin
Dear Libby and Dr. Halperin
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year, and am extremely happy. We have always had a fun sex life and recently he has suggested things like toys and dressing up, which I find are fun and are spicing up our sex life and making it interesting. Recently he started saying he really wants to have anal sex with me, and I am just not sure about it. When he suggests it I kind of laugh but recently he has been more serious about it, like “Come on, I really want to try it with you.” He has done it before, I have not. What should I do?
-Confused California girl
Hey Confused California girl, first of all it’s good you are taking your time thinking about what type of sex you feel comfortable with. People like all kinds of different sex, and as long as they are not hurting themselves or others, it is not right to judge them – so what you like is right, no matter what it is. I think what you have to decide is if you want to do this or not. If you are doing it because you are genuinely curious, then that is a reason to go ahead. If you are trying it because you fear your boyfriend might leave you if you don’t or go find someone else to do it with, then these are wrong reasons to do anything! Yes or no are not the only choices here. If the moment is right and you are feeling like trying it, then go ahead, but if you don’t like it, tell him to stop. Maybe you want to tell him you are willing to “try it and see how it goes.” However, if ultimately you decide it’s not for you, he needs to respect that. If he gives you flack for that, then sorry to say, but he’s just not the right guy for you.
Dr. Halperin Says:
You have to begin by asking yourself and your boyfriend, why he is pushing for this in such an insistent way. Experimentation has appeared to be good so far for your sex life. What has it done for your relationship? Sometimes experimentation takes on a life of its own. It becomes the focus of sex rather than a means of having more intimacy and fun. If the pressure to try new things gets so strong it may become a distraction from other issues or problems in the relationship.
Doing anal is not like doing another position like doggy style versus missionary. Dressing up is one thing, doing something you have thought about but intentionally not done before is another.
The fact that you haven’t done it so far means that it is something different and to be taken much more seriously. May be not for everyone, may be not for you.
You have to think about what type of sex you feel comfortable with and what type of relationship you have with your boyfriend before you commit to experimentation like this.
I’m not saying it is the end of the world and I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it. I’m saying that it is a personal decision not to be taken lightly. Stick with your comfort level and always use protection. There is nothing wrong with experimentation, you just have to have to be comfortable with your limits.
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Libby Keatinge is Senior Editor: Love+Sex at BettyConfidential.
Dr. Morris Halperin is a licensed psychologist practicing in Los Angeles for over 30 years.